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25.comebacks 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000002554 06276406446 0014436 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 25 SNAPPY COMEBACKS TO
"WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. Mel Gibson is taken.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. I look awful in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting his parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow husbands.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my boyfriend's wife just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a
trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and
a child would be redundant.
From: Mark
just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We29.dollars 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000000763 06242645603 0014144 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Oldie but a goodie:
Three people check into a hotel. They pay $30 to
the manager and go to their room. The manager
finds out that the room rate is $25 and gives $5
to the bellboy to return. On the way to the room
the bellboy reasons that $5 would be difficult to
share among three people so he pockets $2 and gives
$1 to each person.
Now each person paid $10 and got back $1. So they
paid $9 each, totaling $27. The bellboy has $2,
totalling $29.
Where is the remaining dollar?
From: Tammy
ads?
21. We3.nuns 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000002703 06430722630 0013366 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 There were three nuns at the chapels that want to take a break on the
weekend and have fun on the town. The father first rejected the request,
but after much pleading, the father agreed with one condition, and that is
when the nuns come back, they have to confess to him what happen over the
weekend.
The three nuns went out for the weekend and came back on Monday. All
three were in the chapel and one of the nun approach the father.
Father: "Would you like to confess sins?"
The nun noded.
Nun: "Father, over the weekend, I went to watch a R-rated movie. Please
forgive me."
The father gazed up in silence to the heaven for two minutes, and then
said to the nun, "Sister, you are forgiven. Go and drink of the Holy
Water."
One of the nun was noticeably smiling standing in the back, trying not to
laugh.
The second nun approached the father, and said, "Father, over the weekend,
I dress in common cloth and danced with people. Please forgive me."
The father gazed up in silence to the heaven for four minutes, and then
said to the nun, "Sister, you are forgiven. Go and drink of the Holy
Water."
The smiling nun in the back bursted out laughing after hearing the second
confession. The father was puzzled.
Father: "Sister, do you have something to confess? Have you sin more then
your sisters?"
By this time, the nun was laughing in tears, and was only able to say,
"Father....(laugh)...please forgive me, for I......pee in the Holy Water!"
From: Hank
he father gazed up in silence to the heaven for four minutes,30.signs 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000010211 06407577611 0013612 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 30 Signs that Technology has taken over your life...
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. (okay, I know
you all just tried it!)
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead
of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
techn49.reasons.computer 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000005370 06040524327 0016007 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 50 Reasons to Buy a Computer
1) Your next-door neighbors, the Jones, just bought one.
2) There's a 2- by 3-foot empty space on your desk.
3) You have $2,000 burning a hole in your pocket.
4) Your typewriter has broken and the last Smith-Corona repairman in
the state just entered the Valley Hills Retirement Community.
5) You're dying to know what the heck Digital Dave is talking about.
6) You want to get $157 towards the purchase of a new General Motors
vehicle with your new GM credit card.
7) You have all these floppy disks lying around the house, and they
just don't work when you put them on your finger and spin them.
8) You need a tax write-off.
9) Television is bad for your kids.
10) You're really into spreadsheets.
11) Your recipe box is overflowing.
12) You work near a window and need something to keep your
papers from blowing away.
13) Every time you buy real fish, they die.
14) No one will talk to you over the phone.
15) You're into ultra-violet radiation.
16) You're a terrible speler.
17) The baseball season is over.
18) You need another surface to spill coffee on.
19) Stryofoam excelsior really turns you on.
20) You want to do your bit to keep IBM out of Chapter 11
Bankruptcy protection.
21) Your electric bill is too low.
22) You've always wanted a pet mouse.
23) You've always been fascinated with carpal-tunnel syndrome.
24) Your interior designer recommended off-white.
25) Without one, your laser printer just sits there without doing anything.
26) You like the way you look in bifocals.
27) Your girl/boyfriend has just left you.
28) Your girl/boyfriend hasn't just left you, but it's an option
you'd like them to consider.
29) You want the AUTOEXEC file so you can become a car dealer.
30) You're allergic to newsprint.
31) You're rebelling against your father, who uses an abacus.
32) Your favorite character in _2001: A Space Odyssey_ was HAL.
33) You've always wanted to see what two million colors look like.
34) You think Bill Gates is a hunk.
35) No one will ever play chess with you.
36) You want to continue to subsidize the Japanese economy.
37) You need a new anchor for your yacht.
38) All your CDs make a strange beeping sound when you play them
on your stereo.
39) You ran out of white-out.
40) Your accountant recommended it.
41) Your boss recommended it.
42) Your mother recommended it.
43) Your psychotherapist recommended it.
44) You need a reason to be nervous during thunderstorms.
45) You lost the middle part of your slide rule.
46) Your Nintendo broke.
47) Your six-year-old needs one to do her homework.
48) You want to see what Rush Limbaugh is raving about.
49) Your office windows won't open without something heavy to
throw through them.
39) You ran out of white-out.
40) Your accountant recommended it.
41) Your boss recommended it.
42) Your mother recommended it.
43) Your psychotherapist recommended it.
44) You need a reason to be nervous during thunderstorms.
45) You lost the middle ASBPDS 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000017256 06444255134 0013234 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's
Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.
On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints
of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and
general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in
mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He
attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO!
HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight
reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed
this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and
ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I
believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome
related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial
Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his
working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic
face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco
for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have
forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5
years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He
has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits
nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his
immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical
diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high
sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories
derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec.
25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).
Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any
relatives.
Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.
He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight,
gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites
consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these
wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks,
penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by
periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood
pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a
respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several
years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute
cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite
unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits
which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at
high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction,
emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed
higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation
during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has
experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological
examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or
L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of
toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls
to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which,
upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology
being the soot from chimneys.
Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to
be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in
his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He
exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5
years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he
experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his
existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses
profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for
the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he
employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his
hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to
body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels
annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he
exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if
not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which
gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over
the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice".
Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during
winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a
contributor to his depression.
Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh,
heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a
high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking
and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so
far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist
the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist
weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".
Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/
psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere
depend on effective management of these syndromes.
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous
e-mails sent around the globe since 1994!
To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org
To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
nnual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/
psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere
depend on effective management of these syndromes.
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous
e-mails sent around the globe since 1994!
To be ADDMS.vs.Sun 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000000633 06444006321 0013751 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Bill Gates and Scott McNealy were playing a friendly game of frisbee on
the Gate's estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill
accidentally sends the frisbee over Scott's head, and the frisbee lands
in the lake. Scott walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves
the frisbee.
The next day the newspapers report:
GATE'S THROW EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
Sun CEO Unable to Swim
From: Hank
ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous
e-mails sent around the globe since 1994!
To be ADDOJ.in.prison 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000003624 06026040051 0014462 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 I have been sitting at work listening to people discussing the O.J trial
and started wondering, do we really have it any better than O.J.?
In prison O.J. spends the majority of his time in a 8' x 10'cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube.
In prison O.J. gets three meals a day. At work I only get a break for
one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded
for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide
you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In
prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for O.J.
In prison O.J. can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired
for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay O.J.'s way through school to learn a new
career and give him time to do it. At work they will pay for my
education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost
whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use
but it must be on your time.
In prison O.J. can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences
comes from his actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get
put on the bosses hit list.
In prison they ball and chain O.J. when he goes somewhere. At work
you are just ball and chained.
In prison O.J. has full medical coverage with no deductibles. At
work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on their
part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and
then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get
put on the bosses hit list.
In prison they ball and chaRabies 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000001216 06267555546 0013467 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Then there was the fellow who was bitten by a dog but nevertheless departed
for a camping trip into a wilderness area the very next day. The dog was
discovered to be rabid, but the man was totally inaccessible. The critical
time period elapsed before he returned home, whereupon he was met my his wife
and his clergyman who delivered the unhappy news that he was terminal, even
though asymptomatic. He took the news quite calmly, sat down at his desk and
began to write. After a bit the clergyman asked diffidently, "Is that your
last will and testament, my son?". "Not at all", said the man. "It's a
list of people I'm going to bite."
From: Ray
dog was
discovered to be rabid, but the man was totally inaccessible. The critical
time period elapsed before he returned home, whereupon he was met my his wife
and his clergyman who delivered the unhappy news that he was terminal, even
though asymptomatic. He took the news quite calmly, sat down at his desk and
began to write. After a bit the clergyman asked diffiTheWC 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000004526 06465642267 0013240 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Title: Water Closet
Subject: Water Closet
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor
plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to
Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the
local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to
whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is
commonly called a WC which stands for water closet.
She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the
local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered
possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the
lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house. . . a
bathroom never entered their minds. So the
schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9
miles from the house. It is located in the middle of
a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable
of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays
and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer
months, I suggest you arrive early. There is,
however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation
especially if you are in the habit of going
regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in
the WC as it was there that she met her
husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every
seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions
on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go
recently. It has been almost a year since she went
last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the
last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship
plan to go on a Thursday as there is an
organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush
seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
From: Hank
our ladyship
plan to go on a Thursday as there is an
organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
UR.a.nerd.html 0000644 0017502 0141540 00000010262 06461013107 0014674 0 ustar 00dwstark horizon 0000000 0000000 Religion.
Page hits since Jan. 22, 1997:
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