Best Emergency Room Stories of 1995
 [Believe Them...Or Not]
 
 
 
 AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.
 Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,
 Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on
 his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
 Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
 off.  Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
 and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm
 still not sure why I did it," she said later.  "I was really close to
 the car, so I didn't think anyone would see.  Besides, it couldn't have
 been for more than two seconds."  However, cab driver Vegas did see and
 lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of
 the Johnson Medical Building.  Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
 cleaning Corcoran's teeth.  The crash of the cab against the building
 making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick.  In
 shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand.  Moeller's
 wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
 
 TAOS, NM - 
 A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control
 vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture
 describing how she believed she had poisoned herself.  A translator
 arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.  Marie
 Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being
 unable to read the foil wrappers.  After the third one, she realized
 something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a
 sour-tasting foam.  She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few
 blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
 throat and stomach with no ill effects.
 
 La Grange, GA - 
 Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having
 a cell phone removed from his rectum.  "My dog drags the thing all over
 the house," he said later.  "He must have dragged it into the shower.  I
 slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the
 thing."  The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that
 the cover to Mr.  Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.  "He was
 a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr.  Dennis Crobe.
 "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.
 Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made
 jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.  By the time we
 finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"
 
 TACOMA, WA - 
 Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them
 said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
 Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more heated and
 at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
 Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
 had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking,
 volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
 One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end
 was tied to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
 tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived
 his fall into the icy river waterand was rescued by two nearby
 fishermen.  "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
 for me on that night.  There's just no other explanation for it."
 Bingham's foot was never located.
 
 BREMERTON, WA -
 Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games
 when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and
 letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.  Sadly, Rudy lost
 control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles.  Rudy
 refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle
 of perfume at the dog.  The bottle broke, covering the dog and
 Christopher with perfume.  Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the
 penis.  While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take
 him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
 Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler.  "Chris is just plain
 lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.
 "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.  The
 high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful,
 helped sterilize the wound.  Also, aside from its being removed, the
 damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal.  It's
 really a very stringy piece of flesh.  Mr.  Coulter stands an excellent
 chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."  Washington
 Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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