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> -----------------------------------
> Why did the chicken cross the road?
> -----------------------------------
>
> Aristotle : To actualize its potential.
> Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?
> George Bush : To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
> Julius Caesar : To come, to see, to conquer.
> Candide : To cultivate its garden.
> Bill the Cat : Oop Ack.
> Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
> Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has
> crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road
> doth so for its own preservation.
> Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
> Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
> to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
> avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean
> achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is
> truly a remarkable occurrence.
> Salvador Dali : The Fish.
> Darwin : It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
> Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
> Rene Descartes : It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
> Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
> Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?
> TS Eliot : Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
> TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?
> Epicures : For fun.
> Paul Erdos : It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
> Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
> Basil Fawlty : Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
> Gerald R. Ford : It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its
> forward momentum.
> Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and obviously
> interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was
> mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious,
> selbstverstaendlich.
> Robert Frost : To cross the road less traveled by.
> Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,
> thank goodness, are good, dahling.
> Gilligan : The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
> If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would
> be lost, the chicken would be lost!
> Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
> Ernest Hemingway : To die. In the rain.
> Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
> but it was moving very fast.
> Adolf Hitler : It needed Lebensraum.
> David Hume : Out of custom and habit.
> Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
> justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> Lee Iacocca : It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road
> John Paul Jones : It has not yet begun to cross!
> Martin Luther King : It had a dream.
> James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> Stan Laurel : I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
> Leda : Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?
> He's into that kind of thing, you know.
> Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it
> to cross.
> Groucho Marx : Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
> uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced
> him, but we needed the eggs.
> Karl Marx : To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
> Gregor Mendel : To get various strains of roads.
> John Milton : To justify the ways of God to men.
> Alfred E. Neumann : What? Me worry?
> Sir Isaac Newton : Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
> tend to cross the road.
> Jack Nicholson : 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
> Thomas Paine : Out of common sense.
> Michael Palin : Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
> Wolfgang Pauli : There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
> Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
> Ronald Reagan : I forget.
> Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.
> John Sununu : The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
> so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
> opportunity.
> Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transport0er beam was na functioning properly. Ah
> canna work miracles, Captain!
> William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
> hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
> Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
> Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
> Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
> Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
> Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
> Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of
> life.
> Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
> George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But
> most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie
> during the duration.
> Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
> Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
> William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.
> Molly Yard: It was a hen!
> Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
> Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
> Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and
> the other are not really opposites in the first place.
> Paul de Man: (uncovered after his death) So no one would find out it wrote for
> a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of
> World War II.
> Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.
> Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road,
> Michel Foucault: It did so because the discourse of crossing the road left it
> no choice-the police state was oppressing it.
> Jacques Derrida: What is the *differance?* The chicken was merely deferring
> from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the
> idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside
> of language?
> Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the
> feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and
> focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing
> this-their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly
> to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely
> following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....
> Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do
> so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to
> each individual.
> Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.
> James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo
> crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...
> James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of
> its race.
> Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration
> maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.
> Molly Bloom: the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do
> you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid
> bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three
> weeks I wonder is there something wrong with me yes
> The Sphinx: You tell me.
Hit me again!
Wil Stark,
wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com
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