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 MTABBOTT Mark Theron Abbott  MTABBOTT not logged in
 Last login Fri 5-Nov-93 6:04PM-EST
 
 Plan:
 
 		IN CASE ANYONE CARES WHERE I AM
 
 	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
 8					Phys.Lab
 10		Jazz		Jazz	 "
 11	Physics	 "	Physics	 "	Physics
 11:30	 "	Wagner	 "	Wagner	 "
 12:30	Music	 "	Music	 "
 1	 "	Physics	 "		(6tet)
 2		Physics			 "	
 3			Clarinet			DQ
 4				Sax			 "
 5:30	M.Lib			M.Lib			Wagner
 7				DQ			 "
 7:30	ACJE		M.Lib	 "			 "
 8:30	 "			 "			Phys.Help
 9	 "		DQ	(6tet)
 
 	{a true story from an AD&D Convention; read on rec.humor}
 [A fifteenth level paladin has been separated from the group.  He is walking 
 through the woods in an attempt to find his friends.]  
 
 Dungeon Master:  You walk into a clearing and find a gazebo.
 Player:  What does the gazebo look like?
 DM:  It is just your average white gazebo, nothing special.
 Player:  I talk to the gazebo.
 DM: [Thinking: ok, not TOO weird for D&D] What do you say?
 Player:  "Hail, gazebo."
 DM:  Nothing happens.  It doesn't react.
 Player:  Nothing?  Well, I demand its surrender!
 DM: (?) Ok, it still doesn't do anything.
 Player:  I draw my sword and say, "GAZEBO, SURRENDER!"
 DM: [laughing a little] Still nothing.
 [Other players have figured out what has just happened and are trying not
 to laugh.]  
 Player:  I attack the gazebo!
 DM:  Ok, What armor-class did you hit?
 Player: [rolls] I did 121 damage to AC -2.  Did I kill it?
 DM: Well... It's kind of scratched...
 Player: Is it bleeding?
 DM: No.
 Player: No?  Well I make a wisdom check [rolls an 8].  Is it some form
 	of undead?
 DM: No, you're pretty sure it's not undead.
 Other players: snigger... heehee... laugh...
 Player: I attack it again!
 DM: Ok, go ahead.
 Player: 156 damage to AC -1?
 DM: It is still not bleeding.
 Player: JESUS!  I RUN FOR MY LIFE!!
 DM: [can't control himself] Too late, it ATE you.
 DM and Other players: (roll on the ground laughing)
 
 They were weight-conscious -- I ate cake for dinner every night.  
 		-- Margarida Jorge BARNARD '95, on why she
 		   didn't get along with her roommates
 
 Anyway, now there is a backpack-selling, America-hating, military-gear-wearing
 Communist in the Plaka who thinks he has a friend named Janet Abbott (sorry,
 I borrowed your name) in Toronto.  
 		-- the punchline to a strange anecdote of
 		   Janet Haven's
 
 So we had two popes, which, as you know, would be very awkward.  I mean,
 there's only one Popemobile.  
 		-- Prof. Kallick explains the Papal 
 		   Schism of the 14th Century
 
 I don't have an iceberg's chance in hell.  
 		-- Rob Pearson '94 is optimistic about his pessimism
 
 Well, we've never been to hell...
 it could be COLD.  
 		-- Rob has a point
 
 Ted Levine (my sax teacher): And I've got tendonitis in my left elbow...
 [I make the universal gesture for masturbastion.]
 Ted: No, I snap the carrot with my right.  
 
 Man, I fell on my balls!
 That sucks.  
 		-- L Wong '95 makes a succinct assessment
 		   of the situation, after attempting a
 		   cool choreo move
 
 Studies have shown that when a pause reaches four seconds, one or more of
 the conversationalists will invariably blurt something, naked, covered with
 blood and with a knife in his hand.  
 		-- a distortion of JHHASKELL's plan,
 		   due to an amazingly well-timed CPU lag
 
 Me:  A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
 [pause]
 Me:  Don't you get it?!?
 Sachi: (slowly) Well, a horse has a long face, but... it's not the same thing.  
 		-- zen master Sachi Akiyama '95 is able 
 		   to both get and not get a joke
 
 I wouldn't want my nose to meet your nose in a dark alley, man.
 		-- "Disgustin' Justin" Chang '95
 
 Me:  Rob, you want some Lip Medex?
 Rob:  No, thanks; I've got my Halls.  
 		-- Rob confuses the hell out of me
 
 [In Valentine, Jonathan and Callie are arguing over who is more screwed 
 workwise.]
 Jonathan:  Oh yeah?  Well, I have to go into SURGERY this afternoon!  
 Me:  [looking in dismay at Jon's plate]  You shouldn't be eating, then.  
 Jonathan:  No, I'm PERFORMING surgery, you idiot!  
 
 I was at my cousin's Barmitzvah; no, wait, it was my nephew's.  No, wait,
 I'm not an uncle!  
 		-- Ben Weiss '95 
 
 > I have come once again, in the hopes of but a sip from the fire hose of
 > your wisdom.
 		-- an Oracular supplicant 
 
 The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
 Your question was:
 
 > Oh! you the most wise oracle .. can you tell me if i am going to fail
 > my subjects ?
 
 And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
 } English, for sure.
 
 Mark, why don't you dissolve into a Volkswagen?  
 		-- Woozy Wu.  After I recovered from my
 		   shock, we had this conversation: 
 
 Woozy:  [looks me up and down]  You have more entropy than a Volkswagen.  So
 	it could happen.  
 Me:  No no, if I have more entropy than a Volkswagen, then a Volkswagen
 	would dissolve into me.  
 Woozy:  Oh.  [pause]  Wait, that's not right.  
 Me:  Sure it is.  I mean, what you're saying is, like, this glob of spit 
 	[spit into sink] could dissolve into a crystal; but no, that would
 	be a DEcrease in entropy.  
 Woozy:  But that wouldn't happen anyway.  Things can't DISSOLVE into crystals.  
 Me:  Well, they can't dissolve into fucking VW's either!  
 Woozy:  Sure they could.  If I had, like, a big block of metal with an
 	an engine in it, and I applied heat to it in the right way...
 Me:  Bullshit.  
 Woozy:  I could do it. [pause] Especially if the engine were in the back.  
 
 He drives all the way over THERE to do THAT?  
 		-- Justin, after one of our roommates got
 		   a 0 on a quiz in a 5-college class
 
 Sounds like a breakfast cereal.  
 		-- Dan Karp '95 on the neutrino, which is, in
 		   fact, not a breakfast ceral, but a particle 
 		   which rarely interacts with other matter, 
 		   and stays massless and chargeless in milk
 
 During the Reagan years, there was a lot of talk about the neutron bomb, this
 wonderful weapon which kills everybody but doesn't destroy the buildings, so 
 you don't have to rebuild everything when you move in.  I figured that a good
 way to help get my research funded would be to submit a proposal to the 
 administration for a neutrino bomb, which not only would have the virtues
 of the neutron bomb in that it would leave the buildings standing, but it 
 would not kill anyone, either.  
 		-- Prof. Hunter
 
 Andy Jaffe (to the vocalist):  And you can hold out a high note on the tag.
 [Everyone in the band simulentaneously sings hideous high notes.  Andy rolls
 his eyes.]
 Andy:  You know, I spend all day takin' care of a two-year-old, so when I
 	come here, I'm looking for a different kind of...
 Brandon Erdos '96:  Immaturity?  
 
 It is worth noting that two of our finest modern English theorists have held 
 different views as to the right way of peeling the very first banana in the 
 work.
 		-- Gerald Abraham, _A Hundred Years Of Music_,
 		   p. 116, on Wagner's "Tristan And Isolde"
 
 I'll give you some excercises, and then you can blow me.  
 		-- Ted Levine suggests a pedagogical approach 
 		   to my work on the altissimo register
 
 Perfect!  No, I'm just kidding.  
 		-- Ted, on my attempt to play an altissimo A
 
 Hello?  Why, of COURSE this is the DQ!  Who else would have a manilla sheep
 voodoo phone?  
 		-- David Westen '97, holding a
 		   manilla envelope up to his ear
 
 [my mom is in the common room, writing me checks.]
 Me:  New England Telephone, $22.26
 Aloysius:  Uh, Sears and Roebuck, $105.93.  
 
 The good news is that the rumours of a new Take 6 album are true.  The bad 
 news is that it's accompanied, ie not a cappella. Apparently they have decided
 to try out the waters with accompanied harmony singing, and if that doesn't 
 work, they'll go back to a cappella. So let's all hope that this album is 
 really unsuccessful.  
 		-- from the rec.music.a-cappella FAQ file
 
 Bridget [on phone]:  We're in Pond dorm.  P-O-N-D.  
 Ben Chung [screaming]:  Pond!  Learn how to fuckin' spell!  POND!  It's not a
 	fuckin' homonym! 
 
 All of the modes [scales] are named after Greek tribes.  Well, except for
 Lydian flat 9.  
 		-- Andy Jaffe
 
 I'M NOT PAYING!  
 		-- helpfully scrawled across a DQ CD order
 		   form, by a disgruntled patron who also
 		   crossed out the word "delivery" in the
 		   phrase "FREE delivery to your door"
 
 24-48-3.
 		-- Ben Chung describes his ideal woman
 
 I think I just described a party glass.  Wait... [gestures in the air] that's 
 a fuckin' parallelogram!
 		-- Ben has second thoughts
 
 I'm gonna explode in a fiery ball of semen!  
 		-- Aloysius
 
 	WHY I TRY TO GET MORE SLEEP THAN MY ROOMMATES:
 Ben: Man, I was pretty damn tired about two minutes ago.  
 Me:  Really?  
 Ben: Uh.. or two hours.  
 [Ben then wanders fully clothed into the shower stall, where he stands for
 	a moment before muttering something and shuffling into his room.]  
 
 Sorry I wasn't sick earlier.  
 		-- Jon Werner '95 apologizes for not
 		   scheduling his illness around rehearsals
 
 Ben: Dude, my Hell week has begun.  
 [I place a comforting hand on his shoulder.]
 Ben: But I don't need any affection from YOU. 
 
 L Wong '95:  My mom isn't white.  
 Brad Fusco '95:  Sure she is.  You and I have the same mom.  
 L:  Wait.. so you're my father!  
 		-- L is currently taking Introduction to Logic.  
 
 ***
 
 PLANTHEON:
 (Top Ten plans.  The Planwatch was just getting too unwieldy.  If you think
 a certain plan is deserving of mention, let me know.)  
 	ACLORENTZ BJLILLARD CMGREENFIELD DAKARP DLCRAFT 
 	JEBLAKE JHFROME JLVINSON JMFUCHS LMMILLER
 
 
 mtabbott@ns.amherst.edu

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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