"Houston, we have a problem..."  by Bill Schoenfeld
 
 You may have heard about the Darwin Award -an annual honor given to the person
 who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing him or herself in the
 most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the guy who was killed
 by a coke machine which toppled over on him while he was attempting to tip a
 free soda out of it.  And this year's nominee is....
 
 	The Arizona Highway Patrol came across a smoldering pile of metal
 embedded into a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
 resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
 unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what
 had happened. 
 	It seems the guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assited
 Take-Off -actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
 transport planes an "extra" push taking off from short airfields. He had driven
 his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a straight stretch of road. Then he
 attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired the
 JATO!
 	The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3 miles from
 the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
 asphalt at that location.The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
 maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in
 excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for 20-25 seconds. The driver,
 soon to be pilot, would have experienced G forces usually reserved for dog
 fighting fighter jocks under full afterburner, basically causing him to become
 insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained
 on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver
 applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick
 rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4
 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
 crater three feet deep in the rock.
 	Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
 fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail
 and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
 the steering wheel.
 
 Another "Strange but true" tale....
 
 	In California, forestry officials were conducting a damage assessment
 following a forest fire when they came upon a body dressed in a wet suit, tank,
 goggles and flippers. The body was free of burn marks and subsequent autopsy
 revealed the cause of death to be from massive internal injuries. Dental records
 provided a positive identification.
 	It seems the diver was diving 20 kilometers from the fire site in a
 location where firefighters were using helicopters to crane in seawater with
 buckets. Evidently the individual extinguished exactly 5' 10" of forest fire.

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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