Title: Dave Barry humor on men and women.
 
  SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION
 
 
 
  By DAVE BARRY
 
 
 
  CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
 long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a
 guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,
 it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what
 women mean by the term relationship.  Let's say a guy named Roger is
 attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she
 accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out
 to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each
 other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody
 else. 
 
  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
 Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize
 that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
 months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
 very loud silence. She thinks to herself : Geez, I wonder if it bothers
 him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
 relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
 obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.  And Roger is thinking:
 Gosh. Six months. 
 
 And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
 relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
 have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
 are, moving steadily toward . . . I m ean, where are we going? Are we just
 going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
 toward
 
  marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for
 that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is
 thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .  February when
 we started going out, which was righ t after I had the car at the
 dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
  overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can
 see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he
 wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
 has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some res
 ervations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say
 anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.  And Roger
 is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I
 don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.  And
  they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
 weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
 garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.  COMMUNICATIONS
 GAP
 
  And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
 too.  God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
 the way I feel. I'm just not sure.  And Roger is thinking: They'll
 probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. 
  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is
 thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come
 riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
 good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
 a person who seems to tr uly care about me. A person who is in pain
  because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.  And Roger is
 thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn
 warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .  . . 
  ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled.  ''Please
 don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim
 with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . .
 . ''
  (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger.  ''I'm such a fool,''
 Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's
 silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?''
 says Roger.  ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. 
 
  ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.  ''It's just
 that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.  (There is a
 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
  come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
 might work.) ''Yes,'' he says.  
 
 A BEFUDDLED BEAU
 
  (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
 
  ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
 
  ''What way?'' says Roger.
 
  ''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
 
  ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
 
  (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
 
  ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
 
  ''Thank you,'' says Roger.
 
 
 
  Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
 soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
 opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
 involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
 never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him
 that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
 sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's
 better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regardin
 g world hunger.)
 
 
 
  IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
 
 
 
  The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
 and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
 painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
 he said, going over it time and time aga in, exploring every word,
 expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
 ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
 weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
 getting bored with it, either.  Meanwhile, Roger, while playing
 racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause
 just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a
 horse?''
 
 
  We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
 different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
 communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
  she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of
 Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: 
 
  Huh?
 
  But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want
 to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember
 is: 
 
 
  1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
 relationship.
 
 
  The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in
 his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday
 
  conversation, such as:
 
  -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we
 have a relationship?''
 
  -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
 relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
 
  -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
 fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a
 relationship!''
 
  -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only
 about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
  years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''
 
  Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and
 eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might
 even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other
 guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we
 have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''
 
  And he will sincerely mean it.
 
  The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
 
  2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
 
  By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely
 reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. 
 ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to
 make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If
 guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July
 Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. 

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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