DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
 
 
 I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________
              (1)       (2)                          (3)
 
 1.                      2.                      3.
 on the highway          in September            that purple dress
 in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
 outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
 at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
 on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
 in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
 in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
 incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
 in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
 in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
 in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts
 
 
 she wore; She was ______  _____,
                     (4)    (5)
 
 4.                                  5
 sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
 drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
 weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
 breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
 crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
 smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
 crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
 chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
 talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
 drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
 slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu
 
 
 and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
              (6)      (7)        (8)
 
 6.                                    7.                     8.
 no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
 that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
 she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off booze
 that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
 I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
 they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
 it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
 we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
 I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
 what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
 that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
 that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate
 
 
 She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                 (9)                               (10)
 
 9.                           10.
 our love would never die     run off
 there was no other guy       wind up
 man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
 that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
 her basset hound was shy     sky dive
 that Rolaids made her high   turn green
 she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
 she loved my one blue eye    blast off
 her brother's name was Hy    make it
 she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
 that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
 she couldn't stand my tie    grovel
 
 ___________; _________ goodbye.
    (11)        (12)
 
 11.                         12.
   with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
   in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
   on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
   on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
   with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
   on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
   with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
   with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
   at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
   in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
   with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
   while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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