ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE.
 
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 |  SYMPTOM        |        FAULT       |        ACTION TO BE TAKEN        |
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 Drink fails to    | Mouth not open     | Buy another pint and practice in
 give satisfaction | while drinking OR  | front of mirror. Continue with as
 and taste. Shirt  | glass being applied| many pints as necessary until
 front is wet.     | to wrong part of   | drinking technique is perfect.
                   | face.              |
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 Drinking gives no | Glass is empty.    |  Find someone who will buy you
 satisfaction and  |                    |  another pint.
 taste. Glass is   |                    |
 unusually pale and|                    |
 clear.            |                    |
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 Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty.    | Turn glass the other way up, so
                   |                    | that the open end is pointing at
                   |                    | the ceiling.
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 Feet wet and warm | Incorrect bladder  | Go and stand next to nearest dog,
                   | control.           | after a while, complain to dog's
                   |                    | owner about the lack of house
                   |                    | training. Demand a pint as
                   |                    | compensation.
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 Bar blurred       | You are looking    | Find someone who will buy you
                   | through the bottom | another pint.
                   | of an empty glass. |
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 Bar Swaying       | Air turbulence is  | Insert broom handle down back of
                   | unusually high. May| jacket.
                   | be due to darts    |
                   | match.             |
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 Bar Moving        | You are being      | Find out if you are being taken to
                   | carried out.       | another pub,if you're not,complain
                   |                    | loudly that you're being hijacked
                   |                    | by the salvation army.
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 You notice the    | You have fallen    | If your glass is full and no one is
 wall oposite is   | over backwards.    | standing on your drinking arm then
 covered with      |                    | stay put.
 ceiling tiles and |                    |
 strip lights.     |                    |
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 Everything has    | You have fallen    | As for falling backwards.
 gone dim, and you | over forwards.     |
 have a mouthful of|                    |
 broken teeth and  |                    |
 dog ends.         |                    |
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 Everything has    | The bar is closing.| PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 gone dark.        |                    |
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 You wake up to    | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is
 find your bed cold| night in the gutter| opening time - if not then treat
 hard and wet. You |                    | yourself to a lie-in.
 can't see your    |                    |
 bedroom walls or  |                    |
 ceiling.          |                    |
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Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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