One
For Men (and the women who love them)
He cannot keep that promise for at least two good reasons.
I want to share an excerpt from my chapter called “The Impotent Hero— Healing the Wounded Masculine,” in the anthology The Heart of Healing. I hope it will bring awareness to all of your relationships, especially your romantic ones. Four of the many relationship strategies that men learned during their childhood domestication are The Rescuer, the Romantic, the Rebel, and the Feminine Man. Both men and women may recognize these strategies in your relationships, as tacit agreements that protect one or both partners from the danger of being seen and known in true intimacy. It is my hope that by learning about the hidden fears and strategies that drive you, you can break away from old patterns and soar IN Love-- together or alone.
Please note that I have written this as a man, using heterosexual relationships as the model. However, the dynamics I describe below are not limited to those relationships. Wherever I have written, “man” or “woman,” please substitute “masculine” or “feminine” if it better serves your understanding. Know that the masculine and feminine can be dominant in any gender and interact in any relationship form.
From The Heart of Healing:
The Rescuer creates relationship by offering a woman relief from the hurt and fear that she feels from living with her Inner Judge. This means that the Rescuer must find Damsels in Distress to rescue. He makes a promise that he cannot keep: “If you are with me, you will not have to feel afraid or hurt or powerless anymore.”He cannot keep that promise for at least two good reasons. First, her distress is not being caused by a deficiency of the Rescuer in her life. Her hurt and fear are the result of experiences from her past, her domestication, and criticism from her own Inner Judge. Second, if he truly rescues her and heals her pain, she will no longer be a Damsel in Distress, and will not need the Rescuer. To stay needed, he must sabotage her healing, and keep her in the Victim role. She knows that to keep the love of her Rescuer she must stay in that role and not claim her personal power. The Rescuer and Damsel stay bonded in their relationship and unable to change or grow, in fear of losing the love and comfort that their mutually compatible wounds have brought them.
The Romantic creates beautiful dreams of candlelight and rose bouquets. He is the magician, keeping his beloved’s eyes on his tricks, and away from his impotence. Since it is difficult for the Romantic to maintain his diversions in a close and intimate relationship, he must keep his distance. He gallops into the damsel’s life, sweeps her off of her feet, and takes her to his castle – but only for the night! If she tries to get too close, he gallops off to find the next moonstruck soul.
The Rebel is very independent. He doesn’t need anyone, especially women that might see through his facades to discover the Impotent Hero within. The Rebel is oddly attractive to women. There is a safety they see in his emotional distance. After many years of exploring why women often accuse men of being “emotionally unavailable” in relationships, I have figured out who is attracted to those men: emotionally unavailable women! This is a safe place for everyone involved. There is no danger of the intimacy that will threaten the facades and reveal the self-judgments and fears behind them.
The Feminine Man creates safety in his relationships with women by becoming like them. Some boys, in an effort to rescue their mothers, bond with them emotionally. As adults, they learn feminine ways of relating to feelings, and prefer the company of women. They do not assert themselves in their relationships— they believe in “equality.” The Feminine Man is the eunuch who dresses up in women’s clothing to hide in the harem. He dresses in women’s emotions, to avoid being recognized as a man and revealing his guilt and impotence.”
We are on the cusp of an exciting era that is redefining love and the relationships based on love. It is time for a totally new paradigm of relationship, based on real love— love without conditions, expectations, or obligations. It is time to open our hearts and accept and embrace ourselves and each other without fear or resistance. Let us dance together in joy with Life, in Love with Life, as Love, AS Life. We are one.••••••••
Order your own copy of The Heart of Healing from the Joydancer.com online store or find it at your local bookstore. Allan’s breakthrough chapter “The Perfect Dream” is available in the anthology Healing the Heart of the World, also available in our online store. Read 39 additional chapters by Deepak Chopra, John Gray, Carolyn Myss, Neal Donald Walsh, Thich Nhat Hanh, and many more wonderful authors.
Allan Hardman takes groups of men-only to the Toltec pyramid complex at Teotihuacán, Mexico regularly. This is a special journey for men’s healing work, embraced by the sacred Toltec pyramids-- “From the Impotent Hero to the World’s Greatest Lover— of all of Creation.” For information about all journeys to “Teo,” go to our Journeys and Events Calendar.
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