The following is a transcription of the Satanic Rabbi, with the aide of his faithful disciple (the minor Babylonian demon) Isuzu, spreading his good word over a late night talk/music radio show on Sonoma State's college radio station KSUN, back in the year of our lord 1993. The show was hosted by ecstatic Bob Goldthwait imitator Chris the Fish and his bourgeois partner and station programmer Doc the Crotch.
Chris the Fish: What do you want to say to us Rabbi?
Satanic Rabbi: I'm interested if you're circumcised or not. Because it is not too late my son.
Fish: No I'm not. I don't have that much extra.
Rabbi: Well most white American Protestant people are briss.
Fish: But they're not Jewish.
Rabbi: Well, have we controlled you or not?
Fish: No.
Rabbi: No? Have you seen a Hollywood movie in the last ten years? We, the Jews, produced it.
Fish: You run my bank, too, huh?
Rabbi: Exactly, so why aren't you circumcised my son?
Fish: I thought it might hurt.
Rabbi: Oh no, it's painless. Then you can service faithful wives for hours and hours without suffering the indignity of premature ejaculation.
Fish: So? As long as I get off why should I care how she feels?
Rabbi: Well, this is the foundation of Jewish marriage, most Jewish couples are married for fifty or sixty years. All you have to do is spend $5.50 and you can get a minister or a Rabbi to come, he puts an ice cube on your, you know ...
Fish: I ain't putting no ice cube on my penis.
Rabbi: No, I didn't say that! You said that!
Fish: I did not.
Rabbi: You did, I heard it, I'm shocked. Your thing, your pibic, which is Yiddish for the thing ...
Fish: Your penis.
Rabbi: YOU SAID IT! You know it is written in the Tora you are going to burn in hell because you are not circumcised. I'm sorry my son, you're droopy bullshit.
Fish: It doesn't matter. I may go to hell, and I'm okay with that. But I'm going to do something good with my life while I'm still here.
Rabbi: You can't. Your thing isn't circumcised, shithead. You're going to burn in hell. It's Jewish law!
Fish: But hell isn't here yet.
Rabbi: Do I have to drill it into your head? I may be a Rabbi but I'm not like a wimp!
Fish: I'm not dead yet. Can you understand that?
Rabbi: You are dead dude. I've got hit squads. You get that thing cut, man! You get it cut!
Fish: If it makes you feel any better I'll let you cut my penis off.
Rabbi: With my teeth?
Fish: With your teeth, as long as you bring the ice.
Rabbi: It's not exactly Kosher but it could be done.
Rabbi: Well, my son, this is evident, but what is more evident is that your soul will burn in hell if you do not have a circumcision. It should have been done when you were about ... thirteen.
Fish: (With Yiddish accent) Do I sound Jewish to you?
Rabbi: You are a Jew. Your mother was a Jew. What was her name?
Fish: Rose.
Rabbi: Exactly. Rose, Rose, hello my name is Second Hand Rose.
Fish: Actually her name was Rosemary. I'm really Rosemary's baby. I was possessed when I was born so I'm damned already.
Rabbi: Sperm of Satan?
Fish: Satan's my buddy, he's my father ...
Rabbi: HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! We Jews love you. We've waited years for you. Satan has to take over and get these Christians out of here so we Jews can take over. Finely! Please, please, kill all the children!
Fish: All you have to do is unite with me in Israel, we'll kick out all the Arab bastards and kill the Muslims, Christians, Protestants. KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! ... I'm part German though.
Rabbi: I guessed. As a Jew I could feel it. I could see you being the post master of Krakow, turning in Jews to the Nazi's.
Fish: My grandfather was a Nazi. He worked in an internment camp ...
Rabbi: Yes, making window and lampshades out of Jewish skin.
Fish. Yeah, and anyway, I was looking through one of those Time Life books and I saw him ...
Rabbi: You are a Jew! I told you you were a Jew.
Fish: No, he was herding the Jews into those gas chambers.
Rabbi: Well, Jews do that.
Fish: He was a secret Jew, a Jew within.
Rabbi: A Judas goat.
Fish: Does that mean he will be sacrificed?
Rabbi: It means that your soul is going to burn in hell if you don't get circumcised. You've got that little flap of skin there, but you're a Jew dude. You're passionate, man. Are you musical?
Fish: I am a passionate man. And I'm musical.
Rabbi: That's two. Do you have a certain flair for clothing?
Fish: Kind of.
Rabbi: Barbara Streisand?
Fish: Hate her.
Rabbi: BURN IN HELL!
Fish: Hey, three out of four ain't bad. C'mon, give me a chance.
Rabbi: Alright, you're a Jew. As a Rabbi I grant you honorary Jewdom. You mother wasn't a Jew but if your father was then you are a Jew.
Fish: My father wasn't a Jew, my grandfather ...
Rabbi: What was his name?
Fish: Satan.
Rabbi: Your fathers name is Fish Satan? Good luck. You name is Fish Fish? (laughter)
Fish: Fish on me man, I'm pulling on the line but it's just not catching. I don't know what's up.
Rabbi: I'll tell you what's up. Killer viruses from Africa. It's much worse than AIDS. It causes you to bleed from your nose, to your ass, to your ears, within 15 hours. It's called the Baboon-Gibern virus. It's affected something like fifty thousand people in Africa. It was supposedly contained, but it's out there ...
Fish: "It's out there," boys and girls.
The Satanic Rabbi and Humbuba after several barrels of fortified beebleberry wine.
Rabbi: You think your friendly neighborhood Rabbi is talking dribble. No. Death is waiting for those who are not Jewish.
Fish: Death is waiting for all of us. We all have to die for some reason.
Rabbi: Not of bleeding out the ass, dude.
Fish: Why not bleeding out the ass? There are hundreds of thousands of people getting shot everyday. They're bleeding out their chest, their stomach, their scrotum sac is getting blown off by a round of M-16 gunfire. And you're telling me bleeding out the ass is so much worse then getting shot sixteen times by someone you don't even know.
Rabbi: If you're white you bleed out of the palms of your hands. Have some manners, dude.
Fish: If you're white you bleed out of your eyes, and then your toe nails pop off and start bleeding. Who cares, we all gotta die. It may be heaven, it may be hell, it may be somewhere in-between and you'll have a smoke and a beer.
Rabbi: Northern Exposure, dude.
Fish: That's a killer show, what's wrong with it?
Rabbi: What are you doing, dude? Bob Goldthwait with Northern Exposure crossed?
Fish: I'm looking for the Northern lights and hoping God sees me. The star is out. Rabbi: Well, I am. (laughter) I don't know about you. But you're like a hash dude, like something I've seen before.
Fish: Hash is stuff you smoke that's brown. It makes you dreamy. It makes you laugh for eight hours straight and when you eat a piece of pizza it tastes like Colgate.
Rabbi: I read a recipe for Colgate in Parade magazine, actually. You put a spoonful of mint toothpaste in the gravy for lamb. Apparently it's quite delicious.
Fish: Yeah, okay. I believe you. I swear.
Rabbi: Why not? I'm a Rabbi.
Fish: Yeah, Rabbis always tell the truth. Bullshit! Religious people always lie.
Rabbi: Do you doubt my credentials? I am the dude of all Rabbi's and I'm telling you lamb with mint toothpaste tastes delicious!
Fish: You are the Anti-Christ!
Rabbi: YES! 666! 666!
Doc The Crotch: Is that like Ren and Stimpy?
Rabbi: The French version. So mankind had to learn how to fight animals off with his wits. And this led to many things, one of them was the Jews inventing Nag Fu and Guilt Fu. This led to many unhappy families, because you get a situation where the best-buffed, biggest dicked dude gets the most attractive female.
Crotch: Cut to the chase.
Rabbi: That's why life sucks. So the weaker members have to resort to guilt and Nag Fu.
Crotch: So you're one of the weaker ones.
Rabbi: All intellectuals are weaker because we don't believe in killing people. That's the message. How can life not suck if animals are killing each other and we're animals: pushing each other around, bullying, and beating off prospective mates.
Crotch: I've had enough of this beating off stuff.
Rabbi: That's your hang up.
Fish: What makes you think we should be any better then any animal out there?
Rabbi: That's my point, that's why life sucks. Nature is glorious. The animals just do their thing without being guilty or nagging.
Crotch: But we're too intelligent for that.
Rabbi: Don't you think intelligence might be a genetic fault?
Fish: So you're saying to be a person who doesn't suck or swallow you should go out there, do what you do, feel good about it, and say to hell with anybody else, it doesn't matter.
Rabbi: I think that's my underlying message. You've discerned it. And even though you're uncircumcised I don't think you'll go to hell.
Crotch: When I was circumcised the Rabbi messed up, and cut it off, and ...
Rabbi: There's a piece of bone there, right? A piece of bone sticking out?
Fish: You have an excuse for everything. 'I got a small penis, the guy messed up, what can I do?'
Rabbi: I'd resort to Guilt and Nag Fu.
Crotch: I prefer tofu.
Rabbi: I didn't figure you for a veggie dude.
Fish: I'm totally carnivore.
Rabbi: Carne Asada?
Fish: I'm going down to LA for an In and Out burger as soon as the show's over. It sounds great, grilled onions, melted cheese ...
Rabbi: It's kosher right? You're not going to have cheese on a cheeseburger?
Fish: Well, you have to have cheese for it to be a real cheeseburger.
Rabbi: You can't have the milk, the cheese, and the beef. It's not kosher.
Fish: It's all from the same animal.
Rabbi: Yes, but God 4000 years ago decided it wasn't proper.
Fish: What gives God this right to decide what's proper for me?
Rabbi: God is God.
Fish: Maybe I'm an atheist and I don't care what God is saying, I care what I'm saying. And everything I say is right. Everything I want is mine for the taking. It doesn't matter if it hurts someone else, doesn't matter if someone else suffers, because I should have what they have. It's mine by right of wanting it.
Rabbi: You're exactly right. But as a Rabbi I have to hem and haw: make pronouncements, deliberations, perform weddings, circumcisions and divorces.
Crotch: Hallelujah and good-night. Chris, the strangest people are awake at this hour.
Crotch: Thank you, ladies and gentleman that Al Jourgenson from Ministry who just walked into the studio.
Isuzu: Thank you, I have to go to the bathroom and drop acid now.
Crotch and Fish: YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ACID? Isn't it a little late for that?
Isuzu: Not when you're at McDonalds. The lights are shining bright all night and the security guards know all the crack pushers by name.
Rabbi: It's Dead Sea McDonalds, dude. We're having McBagels.
Fish: McBagels? Ha! With moth ball soup?
Rabbi: Anti-Semitic are you? What's so funny about McBagels, they're kosher, dude. They don't have meat and cheese in the same place, it's just cheese.
Fish: They suck. You're a cheese.
Rabbi: You're a cheese. The cheese stands alone, right?
Fish: (Accompanied by Flamenco guitar). That's why you stand alone, I got two people with me. Olay, Olay, Olay, go away!
Rabbi: Oh boy, bullfight Flamenco.
Fish: Flamenco's fun.
Rabbi: Loose Gypsy women.
Fish: They're Fun.
Rabbi: They know tricks.
Fish: Who doesn't though?
Rabbi: That bunny who can't get the Trix.
Crotch: Silly Rabbi, Trix are for kids.