Ah, Astrology, Handmaiden to the Soul, Mother of Science, Map of the Cosmic Pulse, etc. There's so much to gain by playing the Astrology Game, especially when clients pay in advance. But Astrology is fraught with complexities. You can't play the Game without knowing the rules.

What, Astrology has rules? Yup. Of course, they're somewhat arbitrary and varied (as discussed below). And keep in minds that there are many different roles that can be played in an Astrology Game. You can design or adapt astrological systems. You can do more-or-less serious research into the validity of astrological systems. You can work as a retail (person-to-person) or wholesale (mass-media) astrological practitioner. You can teach / explain astrology to audiences of varied size. You can criticize astrology. You can product astrology-related products. You can consume astrology. You can ignore astrology. Whatever. And you can combine any of these roles, depending on just how schizo and greedy you are.

The following Game assumes that you wish to profit from the design and/or use and/or sales of astrological products and services. Have fun, bucko.

HOW TO ASTROLOGATE:

1. Select or create an astrological system. There are many existing systems you can choose from, each with its own methodology; but as a creative individual, you may wish to break new ground, craft new paradigms, open new markets, whatever. To select a system, see the Resources page. To create your own astrological system for any planet (including Earth), do the following:
   
   
   1. Select or create a time-reckoning system. See How To Create Your Own Time/Date System and to Hell With Everybody Else for help. You may wish to base your system on the 'year', divided into 'months'. 12/13, 16/18/20, 24/26, 30, 36, and 48 are some popular numbers of 'months' per 'year' in various calendars. Note that solar, lunar, and planetary 'years' don't synchronize, so some adjustment is always necessary. You may also wish to deal with multi-year cycles: 11/12, 22/24/26, 52, and 72 are popular year-cycle numbers.
   2. Divide the sky into segmented zones ('zodiac'), based on such factors as are listed under properties below. Designate these segments ('signs') according to selected astronomical features ('constellations'). You may optionally designate selected extrasolar objects (stars, galaxies, clusters, black holes, big fat gods, system-devouring demons, and any entities or objects newly discovered by astronomers or remote viewers) as 'signifiers'. Label these as you desire.
   3. Designate selected solar-system objects (planets, planetoids, satellites, comets, protosuns, hidden bodies, etc) as 'markers'. You may optionally designate selected areas of any planet (including your own) as 'zones', including divisions of the sky of the base object into regular segments called 'houses'. Give these any labels you want and/or number them according to your favorite mathematical and time-keeping systems [see above].
   4. Assign attributes ('properties') to each sign and/or constellation and/or signifier and/or marker and/or zone, based upon divine guidance and/or sacred geography and/or ancient wisdom and/or careful calculation and/or random factors and/or whatever. Tabulate these attributes for further interpretation and discourse.
   
   NOTE: Depending upon the planet for which you choose to design an astrology, your time- and space-numbering systems may vary radically from those traditional on Earth. Be creative. Don't be limited to duodecimal (base 12) counting, or even to integers (whole numbers) or whole fractions (rational numbers). Explore astrologies based on π (pi) and other mathematical constants.

2. Designate the relationships ('aspects') between pairs or clusters of signifiers and/or markers, based upon tradition or calculation or intuition or whatever. Commonly-used aspects include:
   
   * conjunction   (two planets [or whatever] as plotted on a chart [see below] are superimposed);
   * sextile   they're at sixths (60° apart);
   * square   they're at quarters (90° apart);
   * trine   they're at thirds (120° apart);
   * opposition   they're at halves (180° apart); and
   * insulation   they're untouchable (immeasurably distant).
   
   You may also include nodes, midpoints, parallels of declination, retrogradation, distance, and harmonic aspects.

3. The mechanics of astrology consists of assembling data ('charts') on subjects, based on the movements of subjects and markers in relation to the fixed zones, signs and signifiers. These charts are then interpreted by analyzing the attributes and their interactions, including ascendents, descendents, recumbents, attendants, etc. If engaging in prophesy (see I PREDICTS: The PROPHESY Game for help) you will then try to forecast future interactions based on projected movements. Or you may merely issue pronouncements about the influences upon your subject(s).

4. Select significant times in the existence-span of your subject(s), which may include: conception; cloning; quickening; birth (assisted or otherwise); implantation; menarche; graduation; marriage; divorce; menopause; degeneration; regeneration; death (assisted or otherwise); transfiguration; reincarnation; etc. And don't forget to account for celestial events such as eclipses, collisions, occultations, deviations, supernovae, solar flares, coronal mass emissions, jovian flatulence, and alien invasions. Plot the positions of markers vs. signs; analyze and interpret the 'data'; make prognostications and/or pronouncements; cash their checks. Repeat as needed.

5. A finely-drawn chart ('horoscope'), suitably printed with thick ink on heavy paper with impressive hand-script fonts and graphics, is a wonderful tool for marketing your services. Such natal charts should be routinely prepared for all your subjects. Everyday charts may be produced using less expensive paper and ink; but avoid newsprint, construction paper and crayons, as these tend to diminish the authority of your pronouncements.

6. The influences of the planets and stars upon humans are great. But as with any science, you must select the influences, attributes and interpretations carefully. You must ignore any distracting information, especially:
   
   
   1. At the birth of a human, the mass/energy influences of the attending physician or midwife are greater than those of any planetary object(s).

      (But that's irrelevant, because astrological influences are spiritual, not physical, and can only be measured with spirit gauges.)

   2. Different astrological systems use different counts and qualities of markers, signs and signifiers, giving different structures.
   3. Different practitioners assign different attributes and influences to celestial objects, giving different interpretations.

      (But these differences are irrelevant, since all astrological systems and interpretations eventually point toward transcendent truths.)

   4. Calendars change over time, stars move over time, and the heavens no longer reflect some traditional astrological systems.

      (But this is irrelevant, because spiritual influences bind to the universal mystical grid, not to its astronomical representation.)

   5. Judging people based on their 'signs' may be seen as the same sort of bigotry as judging them by race, gender, religion, etc.

      (But this is irrelevant, because some people ARE inferior, whether due to biology, culture, spirituality, whatever.)

   6. Exploitative capitalists haven't found any ways to profit from astrology (such as exploring trends) except by marketing crap to folks.
   7. Astrologers using vastly different systems (such as Western, Indian and Chinese) all claim great success; yet none of them seem able to predict anything as basic as sex, race or intelligence.

      (But these are irrelevant, because... well, there must be some good reason...)


7. When marketing your astrological product(s) and/or service(s), the presentation is much more significant than the substance. Study your target audience carefully and present them with the images they expect to see. Study other successful practitioners (if any) and adopt and/or adapt their style(s). Success breeds success. Do it right.

Producing A Successful Daily / Weekly ASTROLOGY COLUMN Without Breaking A Sweat

Most daily newspapers around this sorry world, and many weekly newsletters and monthly magazines and other regularly-scheduled publications, contain informative columns of astrological predictions and admonitions. Besides providing invaluable advice for the publication's readers, such columns also generate a nice stipend for the astrological writer, and serve as a platform from which the writer can promote their books, videos, cassettes, CD-ROMs, seminars, courses, retreats, etc. Everyone wins! Here's how you can make a career in the lucrative ASTROLOGY COLUMN business:

1. Convince an editor to let you produce an ASTROLOGY COLUMN. Do whatever it takes to get the job. Bribery, coercion, drugging, are all acceptable means of persuasion.
2. Gather some sheets of paper, some glue, some white-out, a pen or pencil, and scissors.
3. Gather a selection of publications that contain their own ASTROLOGY COLUMNS. Only use publications on the same time cycle -- don't use WEEKLY sources for a DAILY column, etc.
4. Clip out the published columns from the pages. Dispose of the remaining pages properly.
5. Clip out any opening and closing statements in the columns, if desired. Save these.
6. Clip apart each individual prediction for each sign. Be careful not to cut your fingers.
7. Put each clipped-out prediction in a bag or box. Continue until you have enough. How much is 'enough'? For a week's worth of daily columns, you need at least 12 (signs) times 7 (days) equals 84 predictions. For a month's worth of weekly columns, you need 12x4=48 predictions. And it doesn't hurt to have a few extra.
8. Write your opening statement on a sheet of paper. Cut off the paper after the end of the words. If necessary, you can use opening statements from the columns you have clipped out. Do the same for a closing statement. Be sure to promote your products and services.
9. Reach into the bag or box containing the predictions, and pull out 12 of them.
10. On a fresh sheet of paper, glue your opening statement, the 12 predictions, and your closing statement. Let the glue dry while you visit the water-cooler, restroom, tavern, brothel, etc.
11. On the page, label each prediction with an astrological sign. These should be in order, but you can start anywhere you like. Be sure to use only signs that your readers will recognize — don't use signs from other cultures or languages, or ones that you've invented or channeled, unless you're determined to be 'exotic'.
12. In every statement or prediction that you've taken from another publication, change at least one word in each sentence. This is to protect you from charges of 'cheating'.
13. Give your completed column to the editor, pocket your paycheck, and head for the beach. If it's winter, head for the ski slopes. If you're in orbit, head for the airlock.

ASTROLOGY RESOURCES

See the next page, eh? All sortsa good stuff there, which all used to be here, but the page was a bit too sluggish for the modem-bound, and I like to keep things snappy, so there you have it. —Ric

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