APOCALYPSE For The Hell Of It

This may sound like a take-off of REVOLUTION FOR THE HELL OF IT, an old radical favorite by Jerry Rubin (R.I.P.). Yeah, well, so what? He eventually turned yuppie entrepreneur, then got creamed by a car whilst jaywalking in a revolutionary manner. Big focking deal. But I digress.

Apocalypse comes, apocalypse goes, it's just a matter of time. See If MILLENNIAL MADNESS Is A Game, Here Are The Rules for some details. But you don't need to wait for some apocalypse to just happen to you — you can create your own. Here's how:

• Open a wormhole into the center of a sun or nova. This will volatilize your locale.
• Promote global thermonuclear war. If you obtain launch authority, all the better.
• Invite alien entities to colonize Earth and devour all pesky humans. Do it now.
• Invoke demonic / satanic spirits from the nether Hells to devastate the planet.
• Piss-off one or more deities sufficiently to scourge Earth of its human infection.
• Promote environmental collapse. Pollution, pesticides, extinction are handy.
• Saturate the biosphere with electromagnetic radiation. More radio/TV stations!
• Aim an asteroid at Earth. The strike should be hard enough to crack the core.
• Direct enough matter-energy into the Sun to make it go nova. Wear sunglasses.

Of course, there are other things you can do with apocalypses. You can provide and market apocalypse products and apocalypse services, such as apocalypse consultation and apocalypse massage. You can produce apocalypse literature and apocalypse music and apocalypse art. You can consume apocalypse food and apocalypse beer and apocalypse drugs. Just try not to generate any apocalypse farts, eh?

APOCALYPTIC MESSIANISM For Total Morons

Yes, I confess, this game is related to The MILLENNIAL MADNESS Game and APOCALYPSE For The Hell Of It. But it's a slightly different spin. The former is about what to do when you think the MILLENNIUM is approaching. The latter is about how to effectuate an APOCALYPSE. This one is about how to be a MESSIAH (messenger-deliverer) of Apocalypse. As usual, the rules are pretty simple. They have to be, for morons to understand them.

1. Become thoroughly imbued with Divine Spirit by channeling one or more deities (see CHANNELING For The Total Moron for help). This is a prerequisite for further action.
   
   
2. Persuade the channeled entity(s) to communicate to you the causes, timing, circumstances, and effects of the approaching Apocalypse. Get all the details. Well, all that you can remember, anyway.
   
   
3. Decide how to translate all that into terms that humans can understand, that even YOU can understand.
   
   
4. Practice your presentation, your delivery. The more pictures you use, the fewer syllables in the words, the more rolling and insistent the cadence, the better. Study tapes of televangelists.
   
   
5. Destroy all those who would teach others to survive the Apocalypse, or to prevent the Apocalypse, or even to postpone the Apocalypse. Apocalypse is GOOD. Avoidance is BAD. Remember that.
   
   
6. Do the usual circuit of talk-shows, personal appearances, mass rallies, book-signings, improvs, raves, fairs, etc. Communicate constantly! Bring your cadre of disciples to help maintain order and spread the word. Pound anyone who won't listen. It's for their own good.
   
   
7. Eventually, the time of Apocalypse will be at hand. You can let your deity(s) do the deed, or you can do-it-yourself (see APOCALYPSE For The Hell Of It for details). Have fun.
   

Naturally, you won't be the only Apocalyptic Messiah running around at any one time. You WILL have competition, the SWINE! And that's where the gamesmanship comes in. Keep track of all your failures and successes, and keep a point total based on your following. When Armageddon finally arrives, the Apocalyptic Messiah with the most points / followers, WINS!

If DAMNATION Is A Game, Here Are The Rules

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Damned whatever. It's coming, it's coming. Remember, only the saved and the innocent will be elsewhere. And there ain't that many who are saved, and most of the innocent are those who died in infancy, or were aborted, or miscarried. Heaven will be filled with incoherent fetuses.

To see where you are definitely headed, see HELLOGRAPHY: Some New Geographies of Hell(s) — and bring an asbestos jockstrap or sportsbra or whatever. Meanwhile, here's how to make the most of your imminent damnation:

•   Have LOTS of fun. Earn your damnation justifiably. Eat, drink, fock, be merry, enjoy the pleasures of the flesh to the fullest. You're damned anyway, so make the most of it.
•   Choose your own damnation. Note the probable destinations of malefactors of various sorts, and behave according to where you'd most like to end up. YOU control the outcome.
•   Go kicking-and-screaming. Or as a poet put it, "Go not thou gently into that dark night." Don't make your damnation too quick or easy. Suicide only hurts you. Fight back.
•   Once you get there, raise hell. Don't hide, whimper, whine. Be like the Farmer's Curst Wife, doing such damage that you're kicked out. Or take over yourself, like Stagolee.
•   Enjoy your damnation to the fullest. You'll be in the best of company — all the most interesting and intelligent and sensuous people will be there with you. So you should socialize a lot, party hearty, play sex games, wig out. Yeah.

If ETERNAL BLISS Is A Game, Here's The Rules

Life is sweet. Eternity is sweeter. Damnation is tedious. Go for the Bliss! Call it Heaven, or Nirvana, or Rapture, or Ecstasy, or Paradise, or Endless Orgasm, whatever. Here are some guidelines on how to attain and maintain ETERNAL BLISS. Now go suck an angel.

• Be good. Stay good. Always be good. Don't ever fock up. Fock up just once, and you're a goner. You don't want that.
• Die well. Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful memory. No, that's another song. What you want is a holy death.
• Get planted. You want to end up in a nice cemetery, like Forest Lawn or Arlington, someplace that's really classy. Pay up.
• Go up. Not down. Up is considered good. Down is considered bad. But go down enough, and you'll end up. Or vice-versa.
• Be musical. Don't depend on harping. Learn to play guitar, banjo, kazoo, nose flute, skin flute, slide whistle, dulcimer.
• Bend over. You'll enjoy it. You know you will. Do whatever they say. Do whatever I say. Do it now.

Today is an endless highway. Tonight is a crooked trail. Tomorrow is a long time. Eternity is even longer. Start preparing for eternity now. Right now. This very moment. If not sooner. The longer you wait, the more likely you're eternally damned, and you'll miss out on all the good stuff. Bother.

SELF-AFFIRMATION For Total Morons

Solid scientific research has found that we can profoundly influence our physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, medical, economic and positronic conditions by employing advanced forms of self-programming. (See John C. Lilly's PROGRAMMING AND METAPROGRAMMING IN THE HUMAN BIOCOMPUTER for more on this.) A basic technique than may be applied here consists of visualization and self-affirmation, which follows the following simple steps:

1. Visualize: See yourself as you desire yourself to be.
2. Affirmize: Continuously tell yourself that you are as you desire.
3. Actualize: Make it so. Make it so. Make it so. Make it so.

The self-affirmatory statements by which you reprogram your internal biocomputer are constructed according to the mental model of yourself that you wish to actualize. These statements may come in a number of forms:

1. Simple.   Reprogram yourself, one idea at a time:
   
   
   
   • "I am a fully-actualized human being!"
     
   • "I can do anything I put my mind to!"
     
   • "This lottery ticket will make me rich!"
     
   • "They'll never be able to stop me now!"
     
   
   
2. Complex.   Paint a much richer picture of yourself:
   
   
   
   • "I can do anything I want, whenever I want, however I want!"
     
   • "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dammit, people like me!"
     
   • "I'll slurp you and you'll slurp her and she'll slurp me and..."
     
   
   
3. Cooperative:   Generate a common fund of support:
   
   
   
   1. "I think you're all wonderful!"
      
   2. "We all love you too, sweetie!"
      
   
   
4. Comparative:   Present a scaled reflection of others:
   
   
   
   1. "I'm OK, you're OK!"
      
   2. "I'm OK, you're not OK!"
      
   3. "I'm OK, you're a focking moron!"
      

The above forms may all be combined, as you desire. Of course you can do that! You're smart enough! You're skilled enough! And the deities of competence like you!

STEAL THIS SOUL

This may sound like a take-off of STEAL THIS BOOK, an old radical favorite by Abbie Hoffman (R.I.P.). Yeah, well, so what? I used to have the original version, a pamphlet called FUCK THE SYSTEM about staying alive in the old 9th Precinct (Lower East Side) of New York, which pamphlet Abbie plagiarized for his best-seller. Big focking deal. Ah, the days of the Yippies and MF'rs and SDS and ESSO. But I digress.

Souls may or may not be valuable commodities, depending on whom you ask. See SOULCARE for more about souls. If you wish to obtain one or more souls by hook or crook, here's how:

•   Payment:   This is a traditional method that has worked well for many millennia. Offer the sucker subject fair recompense for their soul. They won't discover the magnitude of their blunder until you are safely gone.
•   Trickery:   Another old favorite. Offer some desirable item to exchange for the soul, then don't deliver. Be sure to have your escape route pre-planned, from which vantage you can laugh at your victim's stupidity.
•   Persuasion:   The sheep can easily be fleeced by smooth patter. Promote your religious system (see START Your Own Religion For Phun & Prophet! for hints) and obtain souls voluntarily from your supporters.
•   Salvage:   After one has undergone great emotional / spiritual / sexual / interpersonal stress, their soul may be abandoned — easy pickings for gleaning. Numerous vagrant souls await your harvesting.
•   Theft:   The soul may easily be removed from the sucker subject during application of: drugs; sex; political / religious / economic / artistic frenzy; mysticism; sports; electroshock; television / cinema / theatre; reading; listening; any other form of distraction.

For any transaction other than voluntary dispossession of a soul, certain equipment is required to obtain the soul. Here are some usable spirit-removal technologies:

• Souls may be stolen remotely by use of sound or image recorders, and other transcription devices.
• Souls may be taken directly by use of any transfusion apparatus, breath pumps, or electrodes.
• Soul fragments may be vacuumed-up from places the sucker subject has occupied or traversed.

CONTENTS:

<== back
APOCALYPSE etc
MESSIANISM etc
DAMNATION Game
ETERNAL BLISS
SELF-AFFIRMATION
STEAL THIS SOUL
the GO! index
next ==>

RESOURCES

 RELIGION ETC:  Apocalypse
Atheism
Church-Founding
Cults
Decalogue
Divine Retribution
DOGma
Eternal Bliss & Damnation
GodRules
GOOD GODZ
Heresy
HELL
Holy War
Human Sacrifice
Meditation
Miracles
Pilgrimage
Reincarnation
Revealed Wisdom
Sacraments
Soul Care & Theft
Spell-Casting
t'CotO
Theocracy
Theopoly
Universal Religion
Visitation & Possession
Xian Origins

  and see the t'CotO Archives and the MemePool Religion archives

MUSIC

TAROT Songs
SAINTS Songs
VAMPIRE Songs
ST. ELVIS Songs
GOOD GODZ!

EXCUSES

I'm too (tired / hungry / bored / mangy / scared / dingy). It's too (hot / cold / early / late / dark / light / wet / dry / smelly / vapid). There's too (much / little) of some­thing or other. It's not (legal / moral / ethi­cal / cost-effec­tive / possi­ble). The dog ate my (WMDs / ballots / tranqs / notes / money). Too (many / few) people are (watch­ing / listen­ing / ea­ting / drin­king). My (body part) hurts. I just don't give a damn.