Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
The revolutionary state of mind is then, today, instinctive; the all that is is bad, and to be superseded by a better attitude. —Percy Wyndham Lewis
You don't have to actually be alien in order to feel alien. You need only adopt the right mindset - an inhuman, alien. And there are many inhuman, alien mindsets to choose from, and many ways to adopt them, and all sorts of fun stuff you can do once you've psyched yourself out. And there are so many poor unsuspecting HUMANS around for you to project your new mindset onto! Here are some ways you can alienate yourself:
- Consider yourself to be somewhat human, but quite different and separate and alienated from the bulk of humanity. Avoid being humane. Foster feelings of isolation, contempt, individuality, despair, rage, arrogance. Collect many weapons, especially those that project deadly force from a distance. Practice with them. Use them. You may wish to turn them on yourself. Have fun.
- STW says, "The alien attitude toward earthlings to be compassionless, self-serving and species arrogant." Act and feel thusly, and you're halfway there. Despise and manipulate and control the mere humans, those lowly beasts. Treat them as the scarcely-sentient brute animals that they are. You may wish to feed on them. Use salsa as required.
- Work to channel an alien entity (see CHANNELING For The Total Moron for help) and adopt or absorb its personality. Get as much of it as you can — the more alien you are, the better, eh? Be sure to record all your messages, sensations, reflections. Document your sessions, so they can be distinguished from the tedious demonic-possession episodes so prevalent in modern society.
- Set out your UFO beacons, attract the ETs, and have them insert an alien implant in your brain. Or your leg. Or anus. Or wherever. Maybe you should ask for more than one implant, to forestall any technical glitches. Have them download alienness into you continuously. Suck it up. Assimilate into the alien collective.
- You needn't abandon all humanity to become alien — just transcend humanity, become transhuman, highly evolved. Look down on mere humans as they do on chimpanzees. Glory in your godlike powers. Devise ways to expand your cognition, consciousness, intelligence, and destiny even further. Enjoy.
Deciphering ALIEN LANGUAGES Without Hardly Even Breaking A Sweat
"in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum"
—e.e. cummings
OK, this kind of thing happens to you almost everyday, right? You're strolling along, stomping down the road, making little round holes in the soles of your shoes, when you run into some alien dude, some Reptilioid or Reticulan or Republican or whatever; and that funky ET starts jabbering at you, maybe waving around their arms or claws or tentacles or whatever the hell it is they have, gesturing wildly; but you just can't make out word one of what they're saying. Bummer, dude. What you gonna do?
Well, you gonna hafta start deciphering their lingo, that's what. Here are some guidelines for doing just that:
- The basis of language is eye contact. Remember that, just as with any animal, when they stare at you with their eye(s), they either want to:
a) fight you, or
b) fock you, or
c) feed on you, or
d) fractionate you, or
e) some combination of these.
Act/react accordingly, especially if you're interested in any of these activities yourself. (Personally, I draw the line at having sex with Reptilioid Republicans, but some people just don't know where to stop.)
- How can you tell if they're staring at you? This may be difficult to determine if their eyes are:
1) on stalks that float around in various directions, or
2) multi-faceted like giant houseflies or multi-orbed like super-spiders, or
3) are disguised as other organs, such as sexual appendages.
But do your best. Mentally communicate your extreme interest / disinterest in fighting and/or focking and/or feeding and/or dissolving, and proceed.
- The easiest way to get into complete communication is just to take the implant. Let them drill a little hole in your head, insert the chip, wire it into your brain, and PRESTO! It's like having your own dedicated cellphone behind your eyeballs. Their every command and demand will come in, clear as a bell.
- If you have good ideological or medical reasons NOT to be implanted, then you'll have to actually learn their language. A number of commercially-prepared courses are available, as are alien language schools. But many of these are wastes of time and money. The best way to learn an alien language is by deep immersion — go to their planet, live with them, fight / fock / feed / fractionate with them, learn all that they know, become one with them.
- Having mastered their culture, you are in a unique position. You can either turn spy or traitor, and make a handsome living serving whichever master(s) you choose. Or you may become a consultant or commentator, raking in valuta for disseminating your know-how. Write books; collaborate on scripts; produce videos. Or start your own language school or think-tank or political party or church (see START Your Own Religion For Phun & Prophet! for details).
- In case you're still having trouble learning their language, or if they don't HAVE a language, you could always invent language for them. It could be a language of sounds or scents or sights or moves or thoughts or nerves or whatever. They'll be so very grateful to you! They'll tell you everything! They'll worship you like a god! They'll wrap their sensual tentacles around you! Ooh! Ooh! Touch me there!
Follow these simple rules, and in no time at all you'll be having rewarding social-political-religious-economic-artistic-athletic-sexual-cultural and other intercourse with entities that just last week you wouldn't even give the time of day to. Hold pow-wow with all sorts of funky aliens, eh? Have fun, Bucko. But watch their eyes.
In Brief: How To Create ALIEN ART Without Breaking A Sweat
Culture is far more dangerous than Philistinism, because it is more intelligent and pliant. It has a specious air of being on the side of the artist. —Clive Bell
Just as John Cage taught us that 'music' is any sound you can get someone to listen to, so is 'art' merely anything you can put a frame around and persuade someone to look at, and preferably purchase. Alien art is much the same, only more so, and weirder. You can produce alien art as easily as you can perspire alien sweat or exude alien flatulence, maybe even easier. Here's how!
- You could just attain an ALIEN ATTITUDE, then start doing art. Some art, any art, it doesn't matter. Just be artistically alien.
- You could meet or visualize one or more aliens, then depict the buggers as best you can. Of course if they're REALLY alien, they'll be impossible to depict accurately. Bother.
- (This is my favorite!)
You could use them as raw materials for your art:
- Goosh up various of their organs to get just the right pigment, opacity, texture, etc. Mix with linseed oil as needed.
- Use their organs, skeletal structures, etc. as sculptural components.
- Inject them with massive quantities of epoxy resin. After they've hardened and cured, use a laser cutter to thin-slice sections of them. These can be displayed artistically as wall-hangings, mobiles, in assemblages, etc.; or (with smaller sections) for household use, as place-mats, beverage coasters, keyboard covers, etc.
- You can stimulate them (by any possible means, such as electricity, heat, chemicals, etc) to move in interesting ways. Film their writhings, spasms, floppings, etc. for your visual productions.
- Similarly, you can induce them (by whatever means) to make sounds, which can then be incorporated into your music. The scream of a dying Reptilioid is eerily beautiful.
With the right approach, you can totally transform your culture via alien art. Just look at the success of Frank Franzetta, HP Lovecraft, George Lucas, Prince, and Frida Kahlo. You can do just as much. Get to work. Now.
"The truth is out there!" —Fox Muldaur, victim
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." —Hanlon's Razor
There is life in the Universe. Or not, as the case may be. The same may be said of intelligent life. And stupid life. Examples of all these exist on Earth; and Earth is just a tiny little teeny weeny mote of insignificant dust in the immense fearful glowing sandstorm of the Universe. So there must be life out there. Maybe it's us. Any moron can believe anything we want about all this, and we do.
We could quibble about how to define LIFE and EXTRATERRESTRIAL and INTELLIGENCE and STUPIDITY, but that would be even too moronic for us, now wouldn't it? Well, maybe we can question just what LIFE is, and DEATH — and since we're questioning one thing or another, we might as well argue about everything. That should make for an entertaining afternoon.
The famous (in some literate circles)
DRAKE EQUATION for estimating the number of technological civilizations in our galaxy is fairly straightforward: N = R* × fp × ne × fl × fi × fc × L where:
N = Number of communicative civilizations
R* = Rate of formation of suitable stars
fp = Fraction of those stars with planets
ne = Number of "earths" per planetary system
fl = Fraction of those planets where life develops
fi = Fraction life sites where intelligence develops
fc = Fraction of planets where technology develops
L = "Lifetime" of communicating civilizations
Any moron can easily calculate this equation. Many have. Any moron can easily modify it to look for other factors: intelligence, stupidity, telepathy, immortality, apathy, perversity, invisibility, etc. Can you work up your own variation? Don't send me anything.
Despite the calculations, and the search for indisputable signs of ET life and intelligence, there is (as of the time of this writing) no consensus about the existence of life, intelligence and/or stupidity off Earth, although various media presentations and proclamations may have you believe otherwise.
Many religions, and some cosmologies, see life as arising from extraterrestrial sources, whether 'deities' or colonizers or interstellar spores. All religions are of course correct, thus intelligent ET life is proved, and the subject need be explored no further, except to fill in the details. All sciences and cosmologies are also correct, but many have a nasty habit of wishing to explore further. Resist the temptation.
Anyway, the question will soon be moot. When humans fly around Luna and Mars and other local bodies, we are the ETs, the UFOs, the target of SETI. And as we expand and conquer the galaxy, we'll devour any lifeforms and intelligences we encounter. You can bet on that.
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