[Home] [About Jerome Murray] [Keynote Speaker] [Get Help] [Testimonials] [Free Resources] [Find Your Love] [Book Store] [Order] [Contact]
Edition 102
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
(Feature Article)John was a hard-driving, intolerant, unaffectionate business executive. An overweight fast-food junkie, he drank too much, and smoked like a steel mill. Successful financially, he was a failure with people. His colleagues respected his business acumen, but didn't like him much as a person. At home it was worse. Even his wife's threat to leave left him unfazed. John was a disaster looking for a place to happen. It happened. John had a heart attack. Like most people who experience a heart attack John knew if he wanted to continue living he had to make some changes.
A city slicker trying unsuccessfully to get a recalcitrant mule to move was watched with amused interest by a seasoned farmer. "Want some help," queried the farmer. Upon the grateful acceptance of his offer the farmer picked up an axe handle, walked over to the mule and smote him mightily between the eyes dropping the mule to it's knees. When the mule arose the farmer said, "Giddy up." The mule immediately complied and began moving. The farmer turned to the neophyte muleteer and quipped, "Mules are easy to control, but first you gotta get their attention." Sound like some people?
Stubbornly holding to self-destructive behaviors is not limited to mules. We humans can be that way too, until life hits us in the head and gets our attention. There are many "attention-getters" in life. Heart attacks, divorces, termination of employment; illness - and each one demands change. Wise people respond by making those changes, yet change itself can be a problem. Look at John. John cut down on red meat and increased his consumption of chicken and fish. He minimized fats, ate more fresh fruit and vegetables, avoiding fast-food seduction. He lost weight and lowered his cholesterol and blood pressure. He quit smoking, limited his alcohol intake to a maximum of two drinks a day, John joined a gym and began weight training three nights a week. He started jogging and was soon running ten miles a week.
John didn't stop with his physical health habits as do so many. He made other changes. John gave up his compulsive need to be in control. He started delegating responsibility and included his subordinates in decision - making. He not only had more time for his family; he had a stronger and happier staff. John worked hard to become more tolerant and forgiving. Working with a therapist he learned to lessen his hostility. When confronted with frustrating situations he asked the question; "Getting upset about this could kill me. Is it worth it?" It wasn't.
With his new priorities John became a more loving husband and devoted father. He spent more time with his kids and became more aware of them as persons. Every week he made sure he and his wife had time set aside just for them. Their communication and intimacy were enriched. Faced with irrefutable evidence of his mortality John made a pitiless self-assessment. He changed his diet, lost weight, toned up, and calmed down. He quit smoking, reduced his drinking, worked less, and started spending caring time with his family. Happy ending? No. Six months later John had another, preventable, heart attack. While John's behavior may sound admirable, the changes he made created another problem. He tried to do too much, too soon.
Almost everyone is now aware of the much-quoted research of Drs. Thomas Holmes and R. H. Rahe. Life changes, whether negative or positive, produce stress; and stress can produce physical, mental, and emotional threats to well being. No matter how necessary life-style changes are to your continued health, trying to make too many, too rapidly, can be just as dangerous as not making any at all. The threat caused by making major changes can be virtually eliminated by taking a few precautions.
Anticipate the Need For It.
If you haven't had an attention-getting experience, why wait to change until you do? Look at the areas of your life and make a fearless self-assessment of those places where you are vulnerable. Are there warning signs in your marriage? Job layoffs at work? Children on the fringe of disaster? Does your body alert you to the need for change every time you look in the mirror? Make a list of warning signs. Anticipate what you would do if you had advance notice of a job loss, marital separation, or major health problem. Now, look again at those warning signs and consider them "advance notice." Start your preparation for change now. Change generates more stress and that's the last thing you need after a major attention-getting experience. Start changing to a healthier life-style now. If you don't, life may pick up an axe handle and get your attention. Except then, it could be too late.
Involve Your Family
Avoid unilateral changes; include your spouse and children in planning and decision-making. The changes will affect them as much as you. You need their cooperation and support to make the transition. Solicit their feedback. Ask them what they need from you. Then think about it what they say. Really think about it.
Prepare For It
If you plan changes affecting your physical health, discuss the needed and contemplated changes with your physician. He has valuable input about the types and amount of change you can safely handle. If you see disaster signs all around you but don't know what to do, get professional help to sort out the kind of changes that could make a difference. Once you know "what" and "how much," then prioritize the changes. Begin with those most essential to your immediate well being.
Take One Step At A Time
Don't try to do everything at once. Design a plan to incorporate the needed changes in your life. Set goals for achievement, then divide the activities into small increments. Using your prioritized list, implement the changes sequentially and progressively. For example, if you need to improve your cardiovascular fitness, don't start off trying to run a marathon, just begin walking daily. A little change successfully accomplished is better than a lot of change never completed.
Be More Flexible
If you fight the changes critical to your well being you will increase personal risk. Attitudinal rigidity makes a person more vulnerable to stress. Try this.
Develop and accept alternate goals.
If the compulsive pursuit of career objectives keeps you tense and at risk, change your objective. Instead of trying to be the wealthiest man in the cemetery, aspire to be the happiest family man in the neighborhood. When you can't do what you want to do, want to do what you can do.Accept vicarious satisfaction.
In some instances you will simply have to quit doing what you love to do. Instead of becoming bitter and resentful, putting you at risk, participate vicariously. A successful athlete, who developed a heart condition making personal competition unadvisable, became a coach. He stayed close to the game he loved and enjoyed the pleasure of competition through his players. A business executive I once treated left the pressure cooker of his business and became a consultant. He was able to use his skills and knowledge but control the amount of time and intensity required.Change your methods.
Instead of running your business or family as if you are indispensable (you're not) make your staff or family indispensable. Use the principle of "Delegate and Develop." Delegate responsibility to staff or family members and train them to handle what you used to handle. You'll have a healthier business and family, as well as a healthier heart.Prioritize Activities
Trying to be involved in everything is self-defeating. Limit your involvement to those activities that are most rewarding. You'll substitute the mediocrity of generalization for the excellence of specialization, and be more relaxed to boot.
Keep Your Values Straight
Sometimes it takes a major attention-getting experience to discover what is really important. When we do acquire a new perspective on our values, invariably it is to have more self-respect and the love of those dear to us. I've come to the conclusion there are three methods of clarifying one's values. Becoming terminally ill and getting real old are two of them.
Becoming terminally ill will focus your mind. I've never known a person who became terminally ill who didn't become lucidly certain of what was really important. Making a lot of money, driving a bigger car, job success, and material gain is never what they long for. They may have spent their life trying for these things, but once facing death they value family, love, friends, and relationships. Instead of wishing they had made more money, or lived in a bigger house, or driven a more expensive car, they wish they had been more understanding, more affectionate, more expressive of their tender feelings. They wish they had told people they loved; that they loved them - and told them more often.
Another method of clarifying your values is to get old. Ask a very old person what is really important. You'll rarely hear them advise you to make as much money as you can, or get a bigger house and a fancier car. What they are more likely to say is; be more loving with your spouse and children. Don't harbor resentments. Don't be rigid. Take more time to play, explore, learn, and participate in life. Terminally ill and very old people become real clear about what's important in life. Old age and terminal illness are life's way of hitting you in the head and getting your attention.
However, you may have noticed those methods of clarifying your values have a significant catch. By the time your values are clear you don't have much time to act on your knowledge. The third method of clarifying your values is the most effective.
Learn what is important from people who are terminally ill, or very old. Why not profit from other's experience? They learned the hard way. Why don't you learn the easy way? Inevitably, as the classroom of life provides instruction, and we listen, the message is the same. Family, love, and relationships, are the things that matter. Be wise and learn now, while there is still time to do something about it. The values most conducive to happiness can be summed up in this phrase. Don't value things and use people; value people and use things. This will strengthen marital, family, and social bonds and that's a vital means of enhancing your survival potential. Do it before one of life's axe handles gets your attention.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I am seeing someone who is in the process of a divorce. Even though his wife has been very nasty and cruel to him and I, he is still civil with her and even has "just because" phone conversations with her. I know that they are still emotionally bonded or enmeshed, but how do you explain that to a person. I want to break away from him because of this unhealthy bond that still exists between them but how do I make him understand what he is doing. I am not looking to change him, but I would like to give him an explanation that he will understand.
Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused,
The hardest advice to hear is the advice you already know. I have a rule of thumb for readiness to re-commit after a separation or divorce. It takes three years. One year to deal with the emotion-al issues of divorce, one year to get your head on straight so you're ready for someone else, and one year to bond with another person and be sure this relationship is for you. A marriage involves more than a legal bond. There are emotional bonds, financial bonds, family bonds, bonds with children; just to name a few. "Divorcing" means dissolving all these bonds and finding a healthy way to deal with the issues they represent. It takes time. This one is not for you. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Your "need" to have him understand is as fallacious as his "need" to humor her. It's an excuse to keep contact in hope something will happen. Ironically, the best chance (if there is one) for this relationship to succeed is for you to walk away. He will have time to sort out his feelings and make a rational decision - if he is going to at all. Meanwhile, if you stay, there is no chance - unless you're willing to be a just a source of comfort to him - because you will only be used. Not because he's bad, but because he's not good for anyone right now; not even himself. Don't you deserve more?
Dear Dr. Murray,
I have been dating a guy for almost two years. We have a lot of problems. The main problem is that he masturbates. I don't mind it once in a while but he does it all the time. He would rather do that than to be with me. What do I do?
Frustrated in Limbo
Dear Frustrated,
Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. I don't have the space to detail why this behavior is counterproductive to a relationship. Anyway, it's obvious. Such narcissistic self-obsession is indicative of retarded psychosexual development making this person ill-suited to bond with anyone. It's perverse, and even mildly sadistic. Don't get me wrong. It's not the masturbation. Nothing wrong with that, but why aren't you included? Sexual behavior that by its nature precludes the involvement of a partner, when a willing partner is available, is unhealthy. If, occasionally, your partner wants to masturbate while you watch, or participate, then fine. The key is your statement, "He would rather do it than be with me." Then let him do it alone. Move on.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I can't get my teenage son to obey me at all. Our relationship is the "pits." He wants me to quit "raggin' on him all the time, and I told him that if he would do what I told him we would have a better relationship. Do you have any techniques I could use? I'm going crazy!
Losing it in Chicago,
Dear Losing it,
Yours is a common lament and one I hear a lot. Most parents feel if their children would do as they were told they would get along better...but the opposite is true, if you got along better they would do as they were told. Discipline follows relationship, not vice versa. Concentrate on building a relationship with your son that he would not want to lose and you'll find him more responsive to your discipline.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I work for a guy who is a real pain in the neck. He treats me like dirt and won't listen to any of my suggestions. He thinks he's the only one with any brains and his staff is just there to carry out his wishes. I'll never get ahead working for this rotten supervisor, how can I get him to treat me better?
Stymied in Dallas,
Dear Stymied,
I sympathize, but you're asking the wrong question. The right question is, "How can I be more successful even though my supervisor is rotten? Being a better supervisor is his responsibility - yours is being the best employee you can be. Keep your focus where your power is, your behavior. Don't let your success be limited because someone else made a poor choice. Life would be a lot simpler if everyone cooperated with our plans, but unfortunately they usually have their own ideas about how to do things. However, this can't prevent our success unless we tell ourselves it will. By concentrating on what you have control of you might just get a change in others, but at least there'll be a change in you.
THE GREAT EXPERIMENT
Jerome Murray, Ph.D.
Long ago in a faraway kingdom called Liberty there lived an industrious people ruled by a noble King. One day the King decreed that his nation was to embark on a great experiment. The experiment was to see if they could create a society in which everyone was equal. The people would govern themselves and everyone would have an equal opportunity to acquire wealth, knowledge, and power in Liberty. In fact, in The Great Experiment a citizen could even become King if most of the people agreed. The people enthusiastically welcomed the experiment and all the world marveled at their endeavor.
The people formed a government. They created a group of advisers to the King and let citizens select who would become an Adviser and who would become King. They agreed to take turns doing the work of Adviser and King and at agreed upon intervals they selected new people to replace those who had already served. The Great Experiment had begun and there was excitement throughout the land.
The people who became Advisers enjoyed their job because that was how they participated in The Great Experiment. They began creating laws to ensure everyone had an equal chance to participate in The Great Experiment and prosper in Liberty.
One group of people, the Mongers, decided they would participate as much as they possibly could. Some of them even wanted to become King. They worked long and hard and soon became very successful. Some acquired vast knowledge, others became very wealthy, many achieved tremendous power; and some of them became Advisers and King. They loved The Great Experiment.
Another group of people, the Medians, wanted to participate, but not to as extreme a degree as the Mongers. The obtained just enough wealth, knowledge, and power to enjoy their life in Liberty and were content. Some simply weren't able to do more, but many just wanted to be comfortable. They too loved The Great Experiment. The future seemed promising.
However, in the land of Liberty there was another group of people; the Remoras. A few Remoras wanted very much to participate in The Great Experiment, but couldn't without help. Other Remoras wanted wealth, knowledge, and power, yet without having to work for them. The Remoras were unhappy in Liberty and resented those who had more than they did. They especially resented the Mongers. There was dissension in Liberty.
The Advisers, hearing of their unhappiness, decided they would tax the Mongers and the Medians and give the money to the Remoras. They thought this would satisfy the Remoras and remove dissension in Liberty. The Remoras took note of this. They were intelligent and only selected Advisers who promised to give them money. Many Medians felt a little guilty because the Remoras weren't as comfortable as them and also selected Advisers who promised money. Some of the Mongers, feeling guilty because they had inherited their money, did too. However, most of the Mongers only selected Advisers who didn't interfere with them and would protect them as they participated in The Great Experiment.
The Remoras who just needed a little help took the money and started participating in The Great Experiment. They quickly became Medians and a few became Mongers. The other Remoras took the money and coveted more. They wanted to become Medians without any effort. One day, an Adviser said "We should quit giving money to the Remoras trying to earn money. They shouldn't have both." Most Advisers agreed this was a wise thing to do, but a few were skeptical. Sure enough, when the Remoras realized they got money for doing nothing, and would lose the money if they tried to participate in The Great Experiment, most of them started doing a lot more nothing.
When the Advisers saw how few of the Remoras were participating they were very sad and felt guilty. So they took even more money from the Medians and Mongers and gave it to the Remoras. This made the Remoras a little happier and they kept selecting the Advisers who gave them money. This made the Advisers very happy, because they liked their jobs. Everyone soon realized that running the programs to ensure participation in The Great Experiment required a lot of people. So a large number of Medians and a few Remoras got jobs administrating the programs. Few of the Mongers were interested however, they thought they could do much better by themselves.
But alas, giving money to the Remoras and running the programs to provide the money was very expensive. The Advisers needed more money. They decided to take it from the Mongers. By now the Mongers were getting very upset and many of them started hiding their money. When the Advisers realized they weren't getting all the money they needed from the Mongers they started taking it from the Medians. This annoyed the Medians. They too became upset. But they weren't upset at the Advisers, they were upset at the Mongers for hiding their money. There was increasing dissension in Liberty.
The Remoras were fruitful and multiplied and as their numbers increased they needed more money. The programs to get the money from the Medians and the Mongers were expensive. The programs giving the money to the Remoras were expensive. The salaries of all the people to run the all the programs were expensive. Where were the Advisers going to get all that money? The Advisers decided to take still more money from the Mongers and Medians. As they did, many of the Mongers quit trying to participate as fully in The Great Experiment and became Medians. Many of the Medians became discouraged and became Remoras. This further increased the demand for money and the Advisers kept taking more and more.
Very soon there were no more Mongers or Medians. There were only Remoras. The Great Experiment was a success. Everyone had become equal.
(c) Copyright 1993. Jerome Murray, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
The collective intelligence of the advertising industry might register as normal on an intelligence test. For years, one of my gripes about advertising is that advertising agencies underestimate the intelligence of the American consumer by creating ads targeting inferior intellects. I believed that accustomed to developing ads for the lowest common denominator their brains had shrunk accordingly.
I think I'm wrong.
They don't target inferior intellects. They target intellects on the same level as theirs.
How else can you explain their blunders. In addition to insulting the intelligence of consumers in the United States, check out these gaffes attempting to transfer American culture overseas. It's called "suffering in the translation."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" became "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
In China, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" became "eat your fingers off."
An American T-shirt manufacturer in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market that promoted the Pope's visit to the United States. Intending to say "I Saw the Pope," in Spanish, the T-shirt said, "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," was mangled in the Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his chickens was prominently displayed on a billboard in Spain with the legend, "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in "continental breakfast eating" England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. The slogan was "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America they were unaware that, in Spanish, "no va" means "it won't go." No Novas were sold. Someone finally figured out what the problem was and, for Spanish markets, the car was renamed "Caribe."
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when it's Pinto flopped miserably. Someone finally learned that, in Brazil, "pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." The meaning in Portuguese, however, is interpreted less academically.
See what I mean about their intellect. Wouldn't intelligent people, like you and I, have reviewed the translation more carefully? No?
The leader of a wolf pack is always a female. Think wolves know something we don't?
According to the history records Saddam Hussein was given his first revolver at age seven and killed his first man at age ten. He's quit counting since then. On a similar note history records once recorded that former President of the United States, Lyndon Baines Johnson, at age eight, received six "A's" and one "C+" on his report card. The "C+" was for conduct. Youthful pranks has a different meaning to Saddam. Lyndon's idea of acting up was spitballs in the classroom. Saddam's idea of acting up was to shoot someone.
One scientist chooses pigs for his research on humans. He says the bodies of pigs react in the same way as humans. I guess he must be right. He also says a pig enjoys nothing more than eating pizza and drinking beer.
There is now research to prove talking about your problems is not a "pain in the neck" to the listener. It's a "pain in the back." No medical specialist is more likely to develop back pain than psychiatrists.
Finally, here's a trivia quiz for you.
Q: In major league baseball what percentage of base runners attempt to steal?
A: Three out of ten. (30%)Q: In theatrical jargon what does it mean to "paper the house?"
A: Give away tickets in order to ensure a full house to impress reviewers.Q: Why is it men are six times more likely to be hit by lightning?
A: Easy. Men are six times more likely to be outdoors than women. (It's a good argument for staying home gentlemen)...Stay tuned
Shrink Rap is published by Dr. Jerome Murray and is dedicated to personal growth and relationships.
Copyright © 1997. Jerome Murray, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
