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If you want Dr. Murray to answer a question for you just e-mail it. For "Subject" put, "Answer question." Your name will be kept strictly anonymous. |
I am seeing someone who is in the process of a divorce. Even though his wife has been very nasty and cruel to him and I, he is still civil with her and even has "just because" phone conversations with her. I know that they are still emotionally bonded or enmeshed, but how do you explain that to a person. I want to break away from him because of this unhealthy bond that still exists between them but how do I make him understand what he is doing. I am not looking to change him, but I would like to give him an explanation that he will understand.
Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused,
The hardest advice to hear is the advice you already know. I have a rule of thumb for readiness to re-commit after a separation or divorce. It takes three years. One year to deal with the emotional issues of divorce, one year to get your head on straight so you're ready for someone else, and one year to bond with another person and be sure this relationship is for you. A marriage involves more than a legal bond. There are emotional bonds, financial bonds, family bonds, bonds with children; just to name a few. "Divorcing" means dissolving all these bonds and finding a healthy way to deal with the issues they represent. It takes time.
This one is not for you. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Your "need" to have him understand is as fallacious as his "need" to humor her. It's an excuse to keep contact in hope something will happen. Ironically, the best chance (if there is one) for this relationship to succeed is for you to walk away. He will have time to sort out his feelings and make a rational decision - if he is going to at all. Meanwhile, if you stay, there is no chance - unless you're willing to be a just a source of comfort to him - because you will only be used. Not because he's bad, but because he's not good for anyone right now. Not even himself. Don't you deserve more?
I have been dating a guy for almost two years. We have a lot of problems. The main problem is that he masturbates. I don't mind it once in a while but he does it all the time. He would rather do that than to be with me. What do I do?
Frustrated in Limbo
Dear Frustrated,
Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. I don't have the space to detail why this behavior is counterproductive to a relationship. Anyway, it's obvious. Such narcissistic self-obsession is indicative of a retarded psychosexual development making this person ill-suited to bond with anyone. It's perverse, and even mildly sadistic. Don't get me wrong. It's not the masturbation. Nothing wrong with that, but why aren't you included? Sexual behavior that by it's nature precludes the involvement of a partner, when a willing partner is available, is unhealthy. If, occasionally, your partner wants to masturbate while you watch, or participate, then fine. The key is your statement, "He would rather do it than be with me." Then let him do it alone. Move on.
I can't get my teenage son to obey me at all. Our relationship is the "pits." He wants me to quit "raggin' on him all the time, and I told him that if he would do what I told him we would have a better relationship. Do you have any techniques I could use? I'm going crazy!
Losing it in Chicago
Dear Losing it,
Yours is a common lament and one I hear a lot. Most parents feel if their children would do as they were told they would get along better...but the opposite is true, If you got along better they would do as they were told. Discipline follows relationship, not vice versa. Concentrate on building a relationship with your son that he would not want to lose and you'll find him more responsive to your discipline.
I work for a guy who is a real pain in the neck. He treats me like dirt and won't listen to any of my suggestions. He thinks he's the only one with any brains and his staff is just there to carry out his wishes. I'll never get ahead working for this rotten supervisor, how can I get him to treat me better?
Stymied in Dallas
Dear Stymied,
I sympathize, but you're asking the wrong question. The right question is, "How can I be more successful even though my supervisor is rotten? Being a better supervisor is his responsibility - yours is being the best employee you can be. Keep your focus where your power is, your behavior. Don't let your success be limited because someone else made a poor choice. Life would be a lot simpler if everyone cooperated with our plans, but unfortunately they usually have their own ideas about how to do things. However, this can't prevent our success unless we tell ourselves it will. By concentrating on what you have control of you might just get a change in others, but at least there'll be a change in you.
© Copyright 1997 Dr. Jerome Murray. All rights reserved
Last modified on Monday, January 27, 2003
