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DOES
YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUCK?
Jerome Murray, Ph.D.
IS YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP REALLY THE PITS? FIND OUT!
To find out, answer "True" or "False" to each question
(True means "true or mostly true," and false means "false or mostly false.")
Record your score on a piece of paper until I figure out how to score this electronically.
1. People who are close to me say I overreact to situations.
2. I have a problem controlling my temper.
3. My feelings are more easily hurt than most people.
4. If I have been hurt by my partner I never let my partner forget it.
5. I can't help feeling my partner will find someone better and eventually leave me.
6. Most of the time I feel that life wouldn't be worth living without my partner.
7. When a relationship I am in breaks up I'm not happy until I can get into another relationship.
8. I frequently feel I can't live with my partner, and I can't live without him/her.
9. During arguments my partner says hateful and abusive things to me.
10. During arguments I say hateful and abusive things to my partner.
11. If I became ill I could count on my partner to stand by me.
12. If my partner became ill I could be counted on to stand by him/her.
13. I have a plan for my life I am busy working on which includes goals I want to achieve in the next five years.
14. My partner and I find it easy to discuss plans for the future.
15. My partner and I desire the same kind of relationship with each other.
16. If I could take care of myself financially I would probably leave my relationship.
17. I believe my partner has a serious problem with one or more of the following; a) alcohol, b) drugs, c) gambling.
18. I have been told by those close to me I have a serious problem with one or more of the following; a) alcohol, b) drugs, c) gambling.
19. Even though my partner and I frequently separate because of arguments we always seem to get back together.
20. During arguments my partner has abused me physically.
21. During arguments I have abused my partner physically.
22. I believe my partner is faithful to me.
23. I am able to share my deepest, most vulnerable feelings with my partner, and my partner is understanding.
24. My partner contributes to the success of the relationship just as much as I do.
25. My partner loves me just as much as I love my partner.
(IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DYSFUNCTIONAL?)
A dysfunctional relationship is one which prevents the development of intimacy between the partners and fails to nourish the potential of either partner.
SCORING CRITERIA
Count one point for every TRUE answer to questions 1-10 and 16-21 (total possible= 16) Count one point for every FALSE answer to questions 11-15 and 22-25 (total possible= 9)
0-5 = Your relationship is functional, but that doesn't necessarily men it is successful. To be successful you need to do more than get along all right, you need to work together toward a mutually agreeable vision of what your relationship should be. The most important task for the two of you is to nurture a climate permitting full and complete disclosure to each other of your hopes and dreams for your relationship. Then work together to achieve them. If you had any scorable answers on this questionnaire sit down with each other and discuss why. Make the necessary corrections. Both of you have the ability to make this relationship really special if you work together to do so.
6-10 = Your relationship is about average, but that isn't so hot. The average relationship seldom grows into it's full potential. Set aside time each week to talk to each other about your hopes and fears. Work on listening to understand what each is saying. As your partner is speaking think to yourself; "Do I understand what my partner is trying to say and why they are saying it?", rather than thinking, "Do I agree with what my partner is saying." You need to spend as much time on self development as you do on relationship development.
11-15 = You are in a troubled relationship and that should come a no surprise. It's questionable whether either one of you is ready for a relationship, but one thing is not questionable. The single most important way to strengthen this relationship is to strengthen yourself. Building self-esteem and emotional maturity should be your primary task. You will never be able to live with someone else successfully until you can live with yourself successfully. After you have made some progress on self-development you may begin working on the relationship. If both of you will do that you have the potential to turn this relationship into a healthy, constructive one.
16-25 = Your relationship sucks! It is clearly and seriously dysfunctional. Emotional immaturity, egocentricity, lack of communication and common purpose are destroying any potential this relationship has for success. If this is a brand new relationship, end it now. If the relationship has been going on for months, or years, you have two options. Option one is to get professional help immediately. However, this will only work if both of you desire and seek professional help for your troubled relationship. If only one you is willing, there's no chance. That leaves you with option two; run, don't walk to the nearest exit. Then get professional help to make sure you don't get right back into a similar relationship.
Copyright © 1992. Jerome Murray, Ph.D. All right reserved.
Copyright© 1997. Dr. Jerome Murray. All rights reserved
Last modified on Monday, January 27, 2003