The Myth of the Weaker Sex

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(and other myths)

Jerome Murray, Ph.D.

Men handle stress better than men---just ask any man. Actually, the belief that men handle stress better than women is such a common and popularly accepted belief many women even accept it as true. But it isn't true. The fact is women handle stress better than men. Do you doubt that? Then look at any actuarial table on mortality rates between men and women. You will see that in every country of the world women live longer than men. Men may think they are a select breed, but they should reflect on who has all the money --- widows.

A primary reason for men's higher mortality rates is because men succumb more frequently to stress-related diseases. Research on the differences between the stress-coping abilities of men and women has established that while men do well with tasks requiring courage and short-term physical action, women have superior endurance when dealing with long-term pressures.

Still, some men have an entrenched need to believe in the myth of the "weaker sex." Men with doubts about their masculine adequacy are especially fond of this position. Believing women to be weaker makes them feel stronger. As support for that belief advocates of masculine superiority argue that women see psychotherapists far more often than do men. This happens to be true, and it is viewed as proof of women's inherent instability. They point out accurately that women are more emotional and report feelings of anxiety and depression more frequently. Since men customarily don't seek help for mental and emotional problems as often as women they think it is evidence of better personality integration. It just isn't so.

VENTILATION VERSUS SUFFOCATION

Ironically, the fact that women seek help for their problems is one of the reasons they handle stress better. It presumes a willingness to ventilate, that is, talk about their problems. The suppression of feelings, touted as emotional self-control by men, is a principal characteristic of many mental disorders, but certainly not a characteristic of strength. It is emotional constipation and it makes men more vulnerable to stress. By comparison, the willingness of women to talk about their problems provides stress-reducing benefits.

WHY DOES TALKING HELP?

First, it assists women in getting emotional support. Acknowledging emotional pain allows those who care to offer their understanding and assistance.

Secondly, it promotes the development of intimacy. Not acknowledging emotional pain keeps others at a distance. Hiding behind an impervious facade of invulnerability does not allow others to get close by identification. No one can feel close to another person without some commonality of experience. Pretending not to be affected by stressors creates a gulf between the one affected and those who care. This is especially harmful coming at a time when distance from loved one's is least desirable. Wearing a suit of armor may be the dress of choice for your enemies, but it is counter-productive when worn with lovers.

Disclosing emotional pain is an expression of humanity and is analogous to hitting your thumb with a hammer. The experience doesn't indicate inadequacy; it could happen to anyone. Expressing the pain doesn't mean it won't heal, it just means you felt it. Telling another about it doesn't lead to rejection, it fosters sympathy and affection. The more we understand that others feel the same feelings we do the less alone we feel.

Thirdly, disclosing emotional pain provides an opportunity to compare experiences which serves as a "reality check." It helps keep the experience in perspective, and aids in finding alternative solutions to problems. It facilitates problem solving and also reduces the stress of isolation. Shared feelings prevent the psychological detritus attributable to unexpressed emotions from building up in the personality like stagnant waste products.

Women not only ventilate their problems with words, they ventilate with emotions. Women find it easier to express emotions by crying, and this too helps them handle stress better than men. Research scientists at the University of Minnesota have discovered that tears produced by emotions are biochemically different than tears produced by external irritants, onions or dust for example. They have concluded that crying is one of the methods the body uses to rid itself of harmful biochemical toxins created by stress. Perhaps this is why women talk about having a "good" cry.

In contrast, men view their unwillingness to talk about their problems or show their emotions as strength, and this distorted view of strength inhibits them from getting the help they need. No one can get through life alone, nor should they try. Mutual need is not only natural, it is desirable. Needing each other promotes community and need for community promotes civilization. Denying the need for assistance and support in the mistaken belief it demonstrates strength can be dangerous.

Part of the payoff for this show of "strength" is that while women may talk to therapists more than men, men commit suicide twice as frequently. They hold in their emotions denying access to their humanity, then as feelings of guilt and failure overwhelm them they take their life in impotent rage.

FLEXIBILITY VERSUS RIGIDITY

Another important reason women handle stress better is that they are more flexible than men. The average man holds a romanticized view of strength. It requires him to cope with life by being certain and firm in everything he believes and does---no matter who he hurts, or whether he's right or wrong. It is an unyielding and inflexible approach to life epitomized, and glamorized, by the masculine role-models created in Hollywood. I call it the "John Wayne Syndrome."

Since so many men endorse this standard of strength it leads to the consequence that men are frequently rewarded by their peers, and even some women, for being inflexible---and it kills them. It worsens when men get together for male-bonding experiences. Admiration by peers for a "manly" approach to life reinforces rigidity, and rigidity intensifies stress.

Inflexibility accentuates stress because it prevents adaptation and adjustment. It's like speeding down the freeway without steering wheel or brakes. Deprived of the ability to react and adapt, a crash is inevitable.

Women, if only because of cultural expectations, are more inclined to adjust and adapt to life circumstances. They are not restricted by the image of strength embraced by most males and are free to change their minds and their behavior without loss of status.

Women are expected to surrender their needs to the demands of the male and they get a lot of practice. Consequently, they have a superior ability to adapt. The highest rank on the evolutionary ladder is reserved for the organism with greatest adaptability, not the greatest rigidity. Adaptive rigidity is the reason dinosaurs don't rule the world. As men nurture their self-destructive conception of strength and masculinity women learn valuable adaptive skills. Because of this increased adaptability they handle stress better---and live longer.

CAST IRON VERSUS STEEL

The fact is, while many people associate a rigid, unyielding attitude with strength, it actually denotes weakness. Although inflexibility at first glance may appear to be strength, it is a brittle strength requiring special circumstances to survive. The more inflexible a person is, the more vulnerable he is to stress. Unable to adjust, like cast iron, he breaks.

It is better to have the strength of steel. Steel can bend and flex with pressure yet retains its strength. It's flexibility makes it a much stronger, and a more useful, metal.

Though rigidity is not to be desired; conviction is - but one must know the difference. The well-reasoned steadfastness of conviction is vastly different than the self-serving insensitivity of stubbornness. Yet stubbornness frequently masquerades as conviction.

What's the difference? An individual with conviction takes a position based on available facts while remaining open to new information. A narrow-minded person has a closed mind and doesn't want to be confused by new evidence. His creed is; "My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts."

To paraphrase St. Francis, the art of living requires that we "adapt when we need to adapt, stand firm when we need to stand firm, and have the wisdom to know the difference."

THE FEMALE EXECUTIVE

Women have a psychological advantage in the corporate world, but sadly choose to relinquish it. Instead of utilizing their natural superiority they attempt to emulate the behavior of men. Those who do can learn a lesson by examining the research done on females who move into the corporate world and compete with men by becoming more hardheaded and aggressive. They become like men in more ways than one. They have an increased tendency toward heart failure, body hair, and baldness!

The personality traits giving women an edge over men is not gender specific, nor are they exclusive. They are human traits, not female traits. Men must work at being rigid and non-disclosing, we aren't born that way. The lesson we men must learn from women is to share our problems, show our vulnerable feelings, and be supportive of each other. The ability to adapt, compromise, and find win-win solutions, the ability to love, is still the best way to handle stress---and life.

To learn more about stress and how you can cope more effectively read the book endorsed by experts in mental and physical health; FROM UPTIGHT TO ALL RIGHT by Jerome Murray, Ph.D.

Or, maybe you'd prefer to hear it on audiotape and get some powerful self-hypnosis exercises to transport you to Nirvana?

© Copyright 1987. Jerome Murray, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Last modified on Monday, January 27, 2003