Yesterday, I was listening to San Francisco radio talk show host, Ray Taliaferro, reflecting upon the arrest of Robert Hanssen on charges that he was a double agent selling US Government secrets. Ray asked the question, " What is there that all these spies are spying on?" Considering the technological advances of satellite snooping, infrared cameras, long-distance microphone listening devices, it seems that everyone already knows everything about everyone. So what is the big info quest? I think I know.

I have come to the conclusion that it all revolves around the search for the perfect chicken recipe. Think about it. The cold war started with an American president promising " a chicken in every pot." Next thing you know, the Soviets create the KGB. Unfortunately they just missed KFC by a few letters up and down the alphabet. From there, the situation escalated around the globe.

The Japanese took a mild chicken broth, added a large chicken dumpling and created WAR WON TON in a show of strength. Not to be outdone, the Chinese flexed their technological might and went for a martial arts sounding dish sure to strike fear in the gut of any adversary; KUNG POW CHICKEN . The Americans quickly employed microwave devices in retaliation, nuking both dishes into bland fast food.

Turkey was so humiliated by the chicken frenzy that it changed its name, scratched a line in the sand, and has retained its ornery disposition to this very day. If that wasn't bad enough, Israel moved in nearby and flaunted its chicken soup with the addition of Matzo Balls; a move some have called macho and aggressive. The next thing you know, Israel launched a shmear campaign throughout the Middle East resulting in news services around the globe resorting to the blatant use of schmaltz to increase audience interest for their coverage of international affairs.

Looking to Western Europe, the French, as usual, went overboard and came up with coq au vin. The dish is not only far too complex and elaborate to be practical, but during the preparation, one inevitably must tolerate the annoying subliminal voice of Julia Child through each step of the lengthy procedure.

The British who fabricated the romantic James Bond mythology of global espionage, while often considered to be eggheads and sticklers for maintaining proper pecking order, continued to see chicken as something to be boiled.

Beyond the planet's land masses, the quest for the perfect chicken has become a matter of naval conflict. Just recently a United States attack submarine sank a Japanese commercial fishing vessel. Additionally, great social movements have risen up over the methods and practices of tuna harvesting. Tuna, of course, is known as the Chicken of the Sea.

Even on the domestic front, there has been a great moral and patriotic outrage by the Republican Party. Fearing that the nation's most important secrets may have been breached by none other than the President of the United States, impeachment hearings were launched as the President was accused of disclosing to a lowly intern his technique for Choking-the-Chicken. Where will it end?